


say something loving

by minshuas



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 03:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 42,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11073516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/pseuds/minshuas
Summary: he is in love. it should be so excruciatingly simple, but with wonwoo's breath on his neck, soonyoung has to wonder if it also has to be inexplicitly complicated. he shivers and he doesn't know what to expect, or what he wants from this. he thinks he wants everything. he knows that he doesn't want to be just friends anymore.they're so much bigger than just friends.





	say something loving

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the1the8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the1the8/gifts).



> first off..! i'm pretty new to the snwu tag and community, but i was warmly welcomed and i feel like a real part of it. everyone's always so friendly and we all hype each other up. it feels so great. i haven't really been apart of anything in awhile so being apart of this has me really happy. i've got a lot of people to talk with about some mutual interests. 
> 
> secondly! i don't know my recipient personally, but i hope you enjoy this! 42k is... so much, too much maybe, but once i started writing i couldn't stop. i had to get this out there, so i hope you like it. i think it is funny when the prompt you gave me was so simple yet i made so much from it. i hope the prompt still comes through well. 
> 
> lastly! pxp was lots of fun. it is the first fic exchange i've ever, ever been in and i was looking forward to this day since i signed up. i spent a lot of time proofreading on my own and writing more and more for this. i hope there's nothing major that i missed because i just, worked so hard on this. it took me way longer than gestalt ever did. it was fun though and the word count was worth it because i got to experiment. 
> 
> i wrote this to a playlist that you can listen to here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfX4HF06lbmdbSIMH_qiD15ehxYu0DLtP
> 
> there are some ships that are hinted at or are brought up, but they never take the spotlight really. i hope that's okay. the pristin girls are not really shipped around, they just also work at the place. this is more-or-less office au. i wanted to spend a lot more time talking about their work, but i only had so much time. every seventeen/pristin member has a role in the office, but some aren't explicitly stated and some don't really come into the story, but they are all there. i have notes. 
> 
> to every reader: i really hope you enjoy it! i poured a lot into this, but it was fun!

how do you measure presence if not by touch?  
\- natalie wee, _sunlight_

**_a_ ** _one._

the room feels cold, but soonyoung hasn’t touched the air conditioning. the summer sun warms the window and tries to bring light into his bedroom, but there’s a black hole of loneliness that consumes all of the light, all of the warmth in the room. it’s encompassing and it feels both empty and whole all at the same time. soonyoung wraps his blankets around himself even more tightly. even when his legs tangle uncomfortably, he doesn’t stop twisting. it is not a replacement to touch, but it makes him feel surrounded.

he’s being overdramatic.

—3:02am.

the chorus of shinee’s _view_ cuts through the otherwise silent room. blearily, soonyoung sits up to see that light is no longer sifting through the sheer curtains pulled across the panes of his impossibly wide bedroom window. _shit, i fell asleep_. he groans, then focuses on the noise that woke him, trying to concentrate.

 _he still hasn’t gotten used to the time difference_ , soonyoung reaches for his phone, burying his hands into the crumpled, twisted sheets. he already knows who is calling before he even unearths his phone and checks the screen. he answers without checking, breathing out a silent sigh of relief when familiarity washes over him.

“hey,” soonyoung says softly. there’s no one else in his house, but he’s still so used to living with others that he monitors his volume. “did you know that it is…” he pulls his phone away from his ear and checks the screen. “...three in the morning this time?” it is a matter-of-fact question, wonwoo will be able to hear the teasing tone in his sleep-addled voice.

wonwoo’s reply stays pressed between his teeth, then he clicks his tongue disapprovingly. the sound comes through the line so clearly that if soonyoung closes his eyes, then he could believe that wonwoo was right next to him in bed. he hates how the long distance can still feel so close in the quiet. it is when the whole world goes silent that soonyoung feels both the distance and the proximity of wonwoo all at once. it’s all messed up in his chest and head because he feels so close, but he is so far.

waiting for a response in the space between them, soonyoung notices that rain is pelting against the window. he can hear it against the roof. it is coming down hard and unforgivingly, but it doesn’t make him feel any less alone. he wonders if it’d be different if he were standing in the midst of it.

he breaks the silence instead. “it’s alright,” he amends. “i was waiting for your call, actually. i took a nap this afternoon so i could catch you tonight.” it isn’t a lie, but it isn’t exactly the truth. it would be embarrassing to admit to wonwoo that he’s been sleeping away his day. wonwoo’s only been gone for two days and his schedule has already been decimated. _do i sound desperate?_ soonyoung doesn’t know what wonwoo thinks about while they are on the phone, but he hopes that he doesn’t analyze the way he speaks, the words his uses, the silences that surround the both of them even from such a distance. maybe he just listens blankly, taking in only what he says because he can’t see the expressions that he makes or feel the way his skin shifts when he touches him as though it is composed of tectonic plates and he’s quaking.

the city is steadily thrumming on wonwoo’s side of the world. soonyoung bets that he doesn’t even feel the same silence ringing in his ears. it is just two in the afternoon; wonwoo’s day is at its peak while soonyoung’s is at its deadest hour. wonwoo’s been in different timezones before, but this is one of the first times that he’s been so far away and will be for more than a couple days. soonyoung wishes that it was raining over there, then they’d have something in common other than the atmosphere surrounding them. _he can’t even see the moon_.

he wants to hear his voice so badly.

“i’d call at more appropriate times if siyeon didn’t keep dragging me around. our schedule has been so hectic since her interviews have been more sporadic than structured.” he doesn’t quite laugh, but there’s laughter in his voice. he sounds so tired, even though it is still daylight where he is now. _how long does jetlag last?_ soonyoung makes a motion to pull his laptop towards him, but leaves it at the foot of his bed. he doesn’t need to google it, wonwoo’s an adult and he knows how to take care of himself. even if he is suffering from jetlag, then soonyoung can’t do anything for him. he wishes that he could though, that he could close this distance, but this is the greatest distance ever put between them. “how are you though? it’s raining, isn’t it? has it been all day?”

“are you still following new york weather?” soonyoung laughs freely, leaning back until his body meets the headboard of his bed. “but it has been raining all night though. it was drizzling this afternoon when i was on my way home from work. i opted to walk since it wasn’t so bad. it felt nice.”

wonwoo makes a noise. it just sounds like his breath hitting the receiver. soonyoung can’t decipher it. he wishes that he could see his face, at least. maybe he can rope him into a video call one day. _would that seem desperate?_ “it hasn’t rained here yet…” he pauses, but soonyoung knows just what he’ll say. he’s memorized some of wonwoo’s intricacies, especially the ones that they share. “i miss it.”

 _i miss you_ , soonyoung wants to respond. he hates this small talk, even if it gives him a reason to stay on the line.

“it is my favorite kind of weather. it’s peaceful. there’s something about the absence of rain that  just… feels  weird. it feels like i’m missing something.” he chuckles. soonyoung lets out a nervous giggle that he uses as a reassurance that he’s still on the line. there’s not much that soonyoung can say, but there’s a lot that he wants to say. he especially wants to ask wonwoo if he thinks that the absence of rain is weird, or if waking up alone the most unsettling part.

soonyoung already feels antsy, bored, and lost without wonwoo here. he’s only been gone for two days and he’s going to be gone for about twenty more. he feels exactly how he felt when minghao moved back to china. he had announced his plans to everyone individually and privately. he was so careful and methodical about it. he even answered everyone’s questions patiently, then he just left. he just wasn’t there anymore. soonyoung had lost his best friend, but months later had been gifted with wonwoo. he wasn’t a replacement, but the universe had been fair to him in introducing the two. it had both taken and given to him. at least this time, there’s no pain involved in the separation. wonwoo will return before the month lets out. longing is the only type of pain that sits on his chest: he longs for wonwoo to be beside him so they can stare up at the precisely placed glow-in-the-dark stars on soonyoung’s ceiling and find butchered constellations there. soonyoung remembers when the two of them had pasted them to the ceiling, giggling like schoolchildren.

“can you see the big dipper?” wonwoo asks quietly.

soonyoung didn’t even realize that he had lapsed into silence. he’s the worst at talking on the phone. all of his friends prefer to meet up with him rather than to call him, for anything. he’s more than likely to ignore the calls than to answer them, but he promised wonwoo that he would answer whenever wonwoo called. he shakes himself out of his stupor, using wonwoo’s voice as incentive.. “kinda…” he smirks, tilting his head to try to trace the invisible lines with his eyes. “unless you are trying to get me out of my bed, because i’m having none of that. you can interrupt my night, but you can’t get me moving. i’ll be sleeping on the floor if you make me get up.”

“no, i was just making sure that you didn’t fall back asleep.” he says. there’s something in his voice that soonyoung can’t place. it feels like fondness, to him, but he doesn’t know how to read wonwoo when the subject is soonyoung. conversating over the phone makes it even harder for him to try to appropriately read him. it irritates soonyoung more than it probably should, but he’s just irritable so he doesn’t stop to think about it, to evaluate his feelings. there are tons of sayings in different languages and cultures about how distance makes people behave differently, _want_ differently. soonyoung doesn’t want to succumb to that feeling, especially when wonwoo is the first friend he’s gotten this close to since minghao had left for china. he has other friends because he’s annoyingly social (and he won’t brag, but he’s been told that he has quite the infectious personality). he probably couldn’t even count all of his friends on both of his hands, but he’s still lonely without wonwoo.

he just doesn’t invite any odd friend over to lay on his bed for countless hours, talking about pointless things.

“old man, speak for yourself. you sound like you are about to fall asleep and you haven’t even had dinner yet.” soonyoung teases. it works to ease the persistent tension that has been surrounding them since the phone call started. wonwoo scoffs into the receiver and soonyoung feels all the weight that had been sitting on his shoulders shift. wonwoo readjusts himself miles away and soonyoung can feel that shift beside him. _he must have been laying down…_ it doesn’t matter, but at the same time, it does. there’s something satisfying in knowing that both of them are mirroring one another. it feels like taking up the same amount of space closes some of the distance between them.

the rain pelts his window.

wonwoo’s voice has a playful tone to it now. “ _you_ are the old man. where’s that energy that i saw a couple of nights ago?” _it left with you_ . “last week was when you were telling me that we _had_ to go to seokmin’s place regardless of whether we were already on our way home from the bars. it was _two in the morning_ and you couldn’t even walk, but now you are getting plenty of sleep without me there.” soonyoung laughs, but it feels mechanical. wonwoo makes it sound like he’s doing well without him, but he’s miserable, just counting down the days until they would be together again.

he _really_ wishes that wonwoo was beside him.

“that was when you were here,” soonyoung doesn’t sound as dejected as he feels, thankfully. “now that you aren’t, i don’t have anyone to take me to seokmin’s at two in the morning when i’m shitfaced.” thousands of miles away, wonwoo laughs into the receiver of the cheap cell phone he uses when he’s overseas. soonyoung soaks in the noise, closing his eyes and leaning his head back until it meets resistance. if he keeps his eyes closed, then he can imagine wonwoo next to him, alcohol-stained lips at his ear, the heartiness of his laugh resounding from deep in his chest. “now i just have three in the morning phone calls to keep me up.”

“no alcohol?” he clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. it is a habit of his, soonyoung never noticed how often he did it before now. he feels rooted to the bed as he tries to relive the feeling of wonwoo’s breath skating against the back of his neck, raising the hairs there. “me being out of the country seems to be doing good for you.” _no_ , soonyoung wants to laugh, _you don’t know the half of it_. he’s not miserable, but he’s definitely moping. he also didn’t notice how much he relied on wonwoo before he left. it seems that when wonwoo entered his life, he started to hold all of his other friends at some type of distance. they matter and were important to him, but he solely relied on wonwoo.

“the last time i went out… well, it wasn’t the best.” wonwoo knows about the last time that soonyoung had went out to the bars with a couple of their mutual friends after work. he had ended up calling wonwoo before he even had checked into his hotel room. _that was desperate_. “i thought way too much and siyeon was pissed off at me.”

wonwoo’s voice sounds so light, it could carry soonyoung atop it. “ _you_ thought _too much_?” he chuckles. there’s a teasing lilt in his voice that might be unexpected if one didn’t know wonwoo well enough. soonyoung knows wonwoo, knows when he is being playful. his voice is rough, impossibly deep, but any semblance of cruelty is always playful. soonyoung isn’t aware of a mean bone in wonwoo’s body. he’s seen him drunkenly cry over movies absent of happy endings, trying to find a way to patch it up. soonyoung thinks that that’s the writer in him.

“very funny,” soonyoung finally opens his eyes, fantasy fully dissolving.” anyways, i’d rather not go out when i don’t have anyone to take care of me afterwards. you know how i am, always wanting to be pampered.” he confesses earnestly. “plus seokmin’s been busy with work. i’ve only been out with mingyu and junhui recently. we went to that museum exhibition that you were eyeing before you got your job assignment.”

“how was that, by the way?” there’s some shuffling on his line.

soonyoung stretches, “it was fine. i thought the setup was messy. it seemed put together at the last minute and it was… pretty unorganized. no one knew where they were going or what they were looking at. there was a cool pottery section though. they were, like,  unearthed items, so it was cool in that whole ‘time is inevitable’ kind of way.” they both laugh at that.

“do you remember when we took a pottery class?” wonwoo asks, still shuffling, soonyoung can hear the rustle of paper and he wonders if they’ll have to be ending the call soon because of wonwoo’s schedule. _he might be calling me now because he’s on lunch._ “it was an absolute disaster. i trusted you when you said that you were artistic, but i shouldn’t have. you misled me into that room. the instructor absolutely wanted us to go home before the lesson was even over.”

soonyoung laughs harder, clutching at his side with his free hand. “i didn’t know it was going to feel like that. i sort of hated it. you made a bowl while i made this… _thing_. it was so ugly. i don’t even know what i thought when i said i was artistic because i haven’t ever tried to work with clay before. it was fun though. we were both a mess by the end of it. all covered in water and clay.” it was the first time that wonwoo had held his hands. that memory would be hard for soonyoung to forget. “i’m just glad we could decorate your bowl together. instead of making our own things, we had something that we both had put together. it’s like our work, but more personal, better.”

it is wonwoo’s turn to dissolve into laughter again, he scoffs. “speak for yourself, i love my work. there are plenty of jobs worse than ‘traveling photographer.’ i am happy about the bowl too though. it’s become a fixture in your place now.”

“yeah,” soonyoung says. the bowl is right next to the front door. soonyoung’s keys and wallet sitting in it. it doesn’t match the layout of the rest of his expensive apartment, but it isn’t gaudy. soonyoung absolutely _loves_ it.

silence falls upon them. phone calls are so different than being together. there’s so much extra space.

wonwoo breaks the silence with a sigh. he still sounds exhausted. “i miss you, soon-ah.” it is a rare affection. it melts soonyoung. all night, he’s been waiting for validation… validation for _what_ is a complicated matter, though. he doesn’t know what he’s expecting out of wonwoo or even out of himself. “i hate that i can see the sun, but it isn’t you.” his voice sounds so faraway.

 _i can see the moon and it isn’t you_. soonyoung’s voice is quiet. “i should get back to sleep.”

wonwoo makes a noise of agreement. “do you want me to stay on the line until you fall asleep?”

there’s a shift in the atmosphere. “not tonight,” his voice only grows quieter. “sorry.” he knows that wonwoo can feel it too even at this distance. it is in the air, corrupting soonyoung’s lungs like the cigarettes that he had shared with wonwoo on the night they had first met. “i miss you too, though. sorry for not saying it earlier, but i really do.”

“i know,” wonwoo says simply. “goodnight, soonyoung.” his voice is even softer than soonyoung could imagine. the fondness in his voice is still there, still audible, but soonyoung doesn’t understand why it is being directed towards him. he wonders what is happening between the two of them, what the truth behind this shift really is. soonyoung knows that it isn’t about that shared cigarette or how the ashes burnt a hole through his favorite shinee shirt. there is nothing corrupting his lungs now; he is hardly even breathing the same air as wonwoo.

yet he still finds it so hard to breathe.

.

.

“good morning,” comes wonwoo’s drowsy voice. it sounds like he’s falling asleep. soonyoung can hear the rustling of his bedsheets and he knows that he’s being selfish this morning, but he can’t find himself caring all that much. it isn’t as though he is taking up much of wonwoo’s time. _plus_ wonwoo’s calls usually occur after midnight and keep him up. if he wants to return the favor, then there’s not much harm in that (except wonwoo’s away on a trip for work, not pleasure, and soonyoung should be giving him ample space). “i hope you slept well. is it still raining?”

“it looks like it,” soonyoung says, hopping off his bed and opening his curtains. the light does not blind him since it is still so early, but his room lights up in a way that it hasn’t since wonwoo has left. he watches the sunshower hit against his window less violently than last night’s downpour. “is it still not raining there?”

“yeah,” he sounds exhausted. soonyoung chews on his lip, suddenly  feeling guilty for keeping him up. when he decided to call, he also decided that he didn’t care about keeping him up, but hearing how tired he sounds changes his attitude. “i hope it drizzles soon at least. it is so hot here… i was hoping that it would be relaxing weather, but it’s suffocating.” both of them manage a laugh at wonwoo’s expense. if soonyoung could be in seoul, then he would be. if he was there, then it wouldn’t matter if the air was hot and suffocating or if it didn’t rain like soonyoung and wonwoo liked. neither of them would be awkwardly alone like how they are now.

“well since you did last night, i’m trying to return the favor by wishing you goodnight.” soonyoung tries to wrap up the conversation before it can even really begin. he knows that wonwoo will need what sleep he can get.

there’s a moment of hesitation. it comes only from wonwoo, but soonyoung holds out for it. “are you sure?” there’s a hint of worry in wonwoo’s voice, but soonyoung isn’t depressed. he’s just lonely and moping. he’s always been a professional on feeling sorry for himself and making others worry about him. it seems to be working even from miles away. he’s still functioning the same as ever. “i can stay on the line if you want to talk, soonyoung, you know that.” there’s a gentleness in his voice. he sounds much more awake now.

“no, i’m sure.” he says, nodding to himself. “i guess it is harder to find baseline when you aren’t around, is all. i really want to be able to turn to you and share things with you, but i can’t. now you’ll be off to dreamland, so i won’t be able to give you the play-by-play at work. you won’t be able to survive without knowing every single detail about mingyu’s flirtatious advances on the new secretary.” wonwoo laughs. it is every bit as beautiful as it is in person. he longs for it to ring in his ears, still.

“well, goodnight then, soonyoung. be sure to keep me up to speed.” soonyoung can hear him yawn. he hangs up too quickly, throwing his phone back down into the mess of blankets on his bed. later on, he’ll be upset that he can’t find his phone, but for now, he wants to control the rage of his heart. he feels it in his fingertips and can hear it in his ears. he wants to stomp his feet and stare at the wall for hours until wonwoo is back to where he belongs. he doesn’t belong in seoul, there’s no soonyoung over there.

running his fingers through his hair, he moves towards the bathroom that is adjoined to his bedroom. he never thought it would be this stressful when wonwoo announced that he’d be going to seoul. when seungcheol had given them the news, soonyoung had been excited for him, but now he can’t muster that same excitement. he wishes that seungcheol had had the funds to send him too. _what if none of the pictures came out well? what if none of them looked good with the spread?_ he knew better than that though, soonyoung _loved_ wonwoo’s pictures. he often struggled with picking which pictures weren’t going to be apart of the spread.

he hasn’t even started running water to wash his face before there’s a series of knocks resounding throughout his whole apartment. he’s not expecting anyone, so he groans, pushing himself away from the sink and heading towards the front door. _if it is seokmin behind the door, then i’m kicking him in the nuts and closing the door_ , he levels with himself. seokmin’s notorious for swinging by unannounced which annoys soonyoung to no end, even if he adores him.

mingyu is surprisingly standing there when he opens the door. “hey,” he says lousily. “i thought you might need a ride since it is raining this morning. i know you like to walk, but i was in the neighborhood already, so i thought i’d stop by and ask.” he’s genuine, remarkably so. soonyoung doesn’t know how the world deserves someone like mingyu, but he’s glad that he gets to be one of those lucky people to know him personally.

“yeah, sure,” soonyoung is surprised. seokmin’s usually the one who is swinging by to forcibly pick him up and take him to work when it is raining. “i just was on the phone with wonwoo, so i have to get changed real quick, but yeah. come on in.” he moves to let mingyu in. heat has been creeping in since soonyoung’s opened the door. he can see the way the rain is falling against the ground just from his doorway. it’s picked up quickly from when soonyoung had checked while talking to wonwoo. he’d be soaked by the time he got to work, even if he took an umbrella. the wind is usually unforgiving and would steal his umbrella away or turn it inside out. seungcheol would just end up chewing him out for coming to work so unprofessionally, so mingyu’s a godsend.

mingyu steps in and closes the door behind him. there’s some rain on his jacket, so he takes it off before he steps onto the carpet. “how is he? i was going to go back to seoul for vacation. my parents are really worried about me being all alone here. they keep wondering if they should move over here too.” he laughs. the sound is hearty and it makes soonyoung smile, an instant mood boost. he’s _extremely_ grateful that it wasn’t seokmin now.

“don’t you send them copies of our magazine?” soonyoung lifts an eyebrow, abandoning mingyu in the living room.

a laugh follows him down his hallway. mingyu raises his voice in case soonyoung can’t hear him. “they don’t know a lot of english, actually. i moved here without knowing a lick of english. it helps that i took some classes when i realized that i was hopeless in this country without speaking english. plus people aren’t always very nice when you don’t speak the same language…” his voice gets quieter. soonyoung knew that mingyu had struggled with racism when he had moved here, but seungcheol had helped him out more than anyone could imagine. with seungcheol’s help, mingyu had been able to attend college around here and now was svt’s fashion editor. “but they read the magazine online. i’m glad that we post a version in korean, it’s really neat. they know i’m better off now. they can see the work i produce and they are really proud of me.”

the water is cold when soonyoung splashes it on his face. he had been born and raised in america, just like joshua and hansol. there were others who had stayed in america since their childhood, but mingyu was one of the only members to have moved from south korea at an older age. the only other member was jeonghan, but he had still resided in america longer than mingyu.

after his face is washed, he enters his bedroom to throw on a dress shirt. it doesn’t matter much since he won’t have much to do until wonwoo comes back, but still he can help with editing and bother seungcheol. he pulls a pair of slacks out of his closet, then he’s hopping into them. “oh, wonwoo’s fine, by the way. siyeon’s pulling him here and there. maybe we should have sent sungyeon with him instead of siyeon.” he remembers the initial question that mingyu had asked him. apparently he was bad at conversating off the phone as well. he also remembers that his phone is buried in his sheets, so he hurriedly rushes over to his bed to pull the sheets off until his phone is falling to the floor with a _thud_.

he laughs. soonyoung leaves his room to rejoin mingyu in the living room. “i thought you were avoiding the question because something happened between you two, honestly.” his expression is too open. he’s so easy to take advantage of because he’s always so open and honest. soonyoung wishes he could be that unguarded.

“no, i just forgot you asked.” he waves a hand dismissively. mingyu moves in closer. he’s not significantly taller than soonyoung, but the height difference is still enough to make soonyoung feel small. his fingers thread into soonyoung’s hair, brushing it back. the movement catches him off guard, but he doesn’t move away from mingyu’s touch.

when mingyu pulls back, soonyoung can feel the embarrassed flush coloring his cheeks. “thanks,” he looks away.

“well, let’s get going if you are ready. i picked up some coffee for the others, so you can steal some too.” he says, already at the front door, reaching for his jacket. soonyoung trails after him, collecting his wallet and keys from the bowl by the door. he slips both of them into his pockets, then reaches for his own jacket. “have you eaten?”

he shakes his head as he fits his arms into his own jacket. “didn’t have time between calling wonwo and you stopping by. you were in the neighborhood pretty early. were you visiting someone?” there’s no many shops around where soonyoung lives. there are a couple of restaurants that could serve breakfast for someone unlike mingyu who cooks every meal he eats. the only members of svt and svt’s sister magazine, pristine, that live close to soonyoung are kyla who lives down the street, yewon who lives a couple blocks away, and joshua who he isn’t sure about how close he lives, but he has drunkenly found his way to his doorstep at least.

“well, then i can stop somewhere?” he offers. soonyoung nods. “i told you i was picking up coffee. i don’t have many places to get coffee around my place and anyway, it might get cold by the time i get to work if i try to pick it up there.”

sure enough, there’s three boxes of coffee and a couple of individual cups in a drink holder sitting on his passenger seat. “the whole office is going to start worshipping you if you keep being so perfect.” soonyoung says, opening the passenger door. mingyu gets in and grabs the coffee from soonyoung’s seat.

“do you mind holding it?” he asks as soonyoung gets in. with one leg in, he mocks climbing out of the car already.

“that’s the deal breaker, mingyu… asking me to do things, who do you think you are? i guess i’ll be walking.” he tries to stifle his  laugh, but mingyu looks like puppy with the way that he’s pouting at him. soonyoung climbs back into the car, taking the coffee from him. “i mean it though, you are too good for anyone in that office.”

the car roars the life. mingyu looks pensive, or struck, soonyoung doesn’t quite know what his expression means. “i hope not,” he says finally after he’s on the road. soonyoung repositions the coffee, making sure that none of them will spill on him. he notices mingyu’s scrawl along the sides of them and begins to  examine each of them: _joshua, mine!, yewon, soonyoung._ he takes the one with his name on it and takes a sip from it. he lets the sticky flavor sit on his tongue; it is a mocha with extra chocolate and marshmallows. he hums in contentment. “i remembered right, right?”

“of course you did,” a sigh. then he recalls where he is and what they are talking about, specifically, what mingyu had just quietly mentioned. “what do you mean? are the rumors true then? you’ve got your eye out for someone in the office?  am i going to get the first scoop of this saucy tale?” if this were wonwoo’s car, he’d be stretching out his legs, propping his feet up against the dashboard. this is mingyu’s new car though, and he is going to respect him and his property. “that’s one lucky ass person then, mingyu. i hope they know that.”

a dissonant laugh falls from his mouth. his hands turn the steering wheel steadily. “yeah…” the natural confidence that he usually casually wears has melted from his face. it worries soonyoung somewhat. he’s never really thought that mingyu was the hesitant type. “can i tell you something that no one else knows?”

soonyoung has no idea why mingyu wants to open up to him. “uh, sure, unless it is some weird shit. i’m not very good with confessionals unless i’m shitfaced, admittedly.” even so, he turns his body towards mingyu to show him that he’s giving him his full attention. mingyu had been a close friend of minghao too, so maybe that is why mingyu trusts soonyoung without any reason to trust him. there’s nothing established between them. they aren’t the closest in the office, but soonyoung supposes that there are people who are more distant than the two of them.

“it isn’t weird,” he looks like this is really hard for him, “i think.”

soonyoung is patient. he isn’t a very patient person, but he knows better than to rush whatever mingyu thinks he needs to say right now. his heartbeat picks up without soonyoung really even understanding why. he’s nervous on behalf of mingyu which is such a weird experience for him. he swallows audibly, waiting.

the squeak of the windshield wipers is too loud. soonyoung doesn’t know why he is so antsy right now.

“i do,” mingyu answers finally. the sound of the rain drowns out the music that is playing softly over the radio. soonyoung doesn’t know if it would be rude of him to turn it off completely. “i like someone in the office, but… it isn’t… i don’t…” _oh_ , soonyoung thinks he knows exactly where this is going. mingyu’s knuckles are white with the effort expended on gripping his steering wheel, so soonyoung places a hand on his thigh to soothe him. he still doesn’t interrupt him though because for all he knows, this is something mingyu has to say, for himself.

they pull up to their building, mingyu pulls into the parking garage as he does every single other day. he seems to be going off muscle memory now that they are back in familiar territory. it isn’t until they are parked that he finally gathers up his courage again. he inhales for what feels like centuries. just as soonyoung is starting to feel like he’s trapped in the car, mingyu speaks. “i like a guy… i’ve never liked a guy before, but i do now. i… i _really_ do.” he starts to chew on his lip, gaze flitting to soonyoung to mark his reaction. soonyoung controls his expression, not letting surprise, or even what could be mistaken as it, color his features. “he… he doesn’t know, i don’t think. i think that he just thinks we are friends which i don’t mind, but i think i’m going to tell him, but i don’t want the whole office to know. we’ve been growing so much closer, so it has… it’s given me a lot of time to think about it and i’m sure.” he nods resolutely.

soonyoung continues to rub lazy circles against his thigh. “i think seungcheol would never let the office spread that around, especially if you don’t want anyone to know. i certainly won’t tell anyone. i… appreciate that you trusted me enough to tell me that.” soonyoung feels so uncomfortable, but he does appreciate it. mingyu’s his friend, even if they don’t spend much time together. maybe this would change things for them. a little bit of trust could go a long way.

finally, mingyu exhales and it is like he’s letting all of the stress out of his body. soonyoung gives him a warm smile before he’s opening the door and climbing out with the coffees he has been holding along the ride. “i’m going to go in and take the credit for these coffees though,” soonyoung sticks his tongue out at mingyu and then closes the door, rushing towards the elevator, but being careful not to spill any of them. it ends up being much harder than he thought it’d be.

mingyu’s legs are longer so after he grabs the rest of the coffee out of the back, he easily catches up with soonyoung. neither of them would have let the elevator leave them on the bottom floor though. the building’s only elevator is already defunct as it is. seungkwan refuses to get into it unless he absolutely has to and seungcheol has been trying to get quotas for restoration of it for months now. while they are entering the empty elevator and pressing the button for their floor, joshua and jeonghan enter the elevator, joshua pressing the button for the floor above theirs once they’re in.

joshua works right underneath seungcheol as his assistant, while jeonghan is the manager of nearly everyone else. he is the one who assigns jobs to everyone and makes sure that they are doing their jobs properly. “hey,” joshua says breathlessly. jeonghan nods his head to both soonyoung and mingyu before he’s pressing himself against the wall of the elevator, clearly exhausted and not wanting to conversate with either of them.

soonyoung plucks joshua’s coffee cup off the drink holder and passes to him. “here, mingyu got this for you.”

he looks genuinely surprised, but his expression softens when he glances over towards mingyu. “thank you.” he bows his head.

mingyu nods and then they all awkwardly wait for the elevator to release them onto their respective floors. when the elevator finally halts with a creak at the proper floor, all of them go their separate ways, saying goodbye to joshua. the work day requires them to all split off from one another. jeonghan offers to help mingyu with the coffee so mingyu takes back his drink holder, letting soonyoung take his own coffee from it. “thanks, i’ll see you after work?” mingyu nods.

.

.

he doesn’t see mingyu after work because seokmin swoops into his cubicle just as the workday is ending. minesweeper windows decorate his computer and seokmin just stares at the sheer volume of them before he’s stepping around soonyoung to close out of all of them. “hey, i have to go meet with nayoung, but i need a buffer so she doesn’t knock me on my ass, please come with me.” he cuts to the chase. before soonyoung can even answer him though, he’s on his knees, hands clasped together. he’s pretending to beg for this little favor and soonyoung has to stifle his laughter into his sleeve so he doesn’t bother the people around his cubicle. “my liege, you know her majesty is always so contrary.”

“get the hell up, seokmin, before she sees you.” he pulls on him until the both of them are standing.

yewon’s tiny, adorable face peers over the side of soonyoung’s cubicle from her adjoining one. “if she heard you say that then you would really be fearing her.” at seokmin’s expense, yewon and soonyoung share a laugh. “but she’s in the conference room already, waiting on you, so i’d get a move on.” the smile that she gives them is infectious. out of all the people in their office, seokmin and her have these smiles that could blind the sun and force it underneath their bidding. a lot of people had suspected that if not the secretary at the front desk, then mingyu would surely fall for yewon’s reserved charms. she works solely as a copy editor and usually works incredibly hard at the tasks assigned to her, and she is also consistent in managing deadlines and catching other’s mistakes. she has a lot of energy, but takes awhile to open up to anyone, especially in the office. she doesn’t cause trouble around the office, but she does enjoy teasing the others as much as she likes working on the magazines. she works equally hard at both annoying as many people as possible and working on producing a completely proofread magazine. “milord, princess nayoung is in conference room b. you must get a move on lest there be consequences..!” she giggles, then slinks back down into her cubicle.

seokmin grins at soonyoung, but he can tell that he’s _miserable_. the monthly visits with nayoung are like pulling teeth for him. nayoung isn’t particularly contrary like seokmin thinks she is, but she is strict. as the director of finance, she is in charge of a precarious situation: whether or not they fall into debt. her deftness is probably one of the main reasons why they are so successful. seungcheol is a wonderful publisher and jeonghan is great at being an editor-in-chief, but both of them wouldn’t be anywhere without nayoung’s craft. she had figured out how to start the business as an actual profiting business. reportedly, she had grown up alongside seungcheol and the two of them were close friends, but soonyoung thought that they acted more like siblings, if anything. they argued often, but every meeting of theirs would always end with both of them laughing at one another, like the fight never occurred.

personally, soonyoung isn’t scared of nayoung, but she is intimidating. just like seungcheol is a capable leader, so is she, but she’s much more reserved than seungcheol. she is usually the one that seungcheol goes to when he feels like the magazine needs another set of eyes. seokmin has to consult her every month, usually about the ad space they would be filling for the month’s spread, and these monthly meetings started to be regular for soonyoung when he offered to accompany him one day. he thinks this is the worst agreement he’s ever worked out with someone. the pack of beer that seokmin will buy him is not worth the hour of his life he’ll be wasting as he pretends to be listening to both of them.

“let’s go,” soonyoung smacks his hand against seokmin’s shoulder and he pouts, mouthing _workplace harassment_ to yewon as they pass by her on their way to the designated conference room. “i hope you didn’t forget to do calculations like you did last time.” he says. “that took an extra hour for the both of you to work out. i won’t be staying the whole time if that happens again. i have children waiting at home, you know. they _need_ me.”

seokmin rolls his eyes, holding the door open for soonyoung. “wonwoo’s plants aren’t your children. all you have to do is make sure they are watered and in the correct amount of sunlight. it takes… maybe a couple minutes out of your day.”

he opts to ignore seokmin because he’s just blatantly wrong.

as yewon said, nayoung is already seated there in the middle of the rather long table that they hardly use. conference room a is for the rare moments when they have to get together as a company. the second conference room is mainly for private meetings between seokmin, seungcheol, jeonghan and nayoung. this is the room that soonyoung had been interviewed for his job in and the same room he had met wonwoo in, just after sharing a cigarette outside with him. _i don’t really smoke_ , he had said, chuckling, _but i’m so nervous that i just bummed this off of a stranger._ soonyoung had leaned in close to him because it was winter and he was cold. the smoke burnt both of their lungs and left them coughing.

“afternoon,” she says, looking up from the file she’s holding. “hey, soonyoung. do you mind closing the door?” he nods, doing so without anymore prompting. seokmin goes to take the seat across from her and soonyoung takes the seat next to his. “are you training soonyoung to be your assistant? or do you just need someone else here so you don’t wet your pants when i tell you that all your calculations are wrong again?” she’s not smiling, but she’s not being cruel either. her eyebrow is cocked and seokmin looks like he wants to dissolve into the air, become one with the particles.

he swallows; soonyoung watches the way his throat bobs. “did i?”

she brushes a piece of hair behind her ear, shaking her head. “nope. you were spot on this time.” she informs him, laughing lightly, and he sighs in response. “the only issue that i really came upon was that… you seem to be pandering to only male readers in svt and only female readers in pristine. i thought that seungcheol talked about this with you when you were hired, but we might have a feminine and masculine look with each different magazine, but the same staffs produce these two magazine. we want it to be as mixed as possible. so i’m thinking about changing the composition of the advertisements. it’s a fairly easy fix.” she looks over to soonyoung. “there aren’t that many ways to go about it. how do you think we should move on, mr. financial advisor?”

it takes a minute before soonyoung realizes that she’s talking to him. he flounders before finally finding the answer qu9ite easily. it seems to be staring him in the face. “mix the compositions that seokmin presented you? put some of the ones he approved for pristine into svt’s spread and vice versa, right?”: he looks over at seokmin expectantly, then back at nayoung who looks like a proud mother of (1) kwon soonyoung.

“looks like you have been taking away something from these meetings, at least.” she says. “this is similar to what i told you about last month’s issues, seokmin. you have to start learning from your mistakes. i know it might be difficult for you to think about what sort of mixed advertisements should be in each magazine, but perhaps you should just collect the way you normally do, but then rearrange them between the two spreads. this way we can pull in more of an audience, hopefully, for both magazines. we might be able to find someone to look over your work too, maybe soonyoung.”

seokmin nods, still looking apprehensive and nervous. soonyoung pales at the threat of more work, especially work related to _ads_ , but the meeting goes by swiftly with the occasional teasing remark from nayoung as they balance the advertisements for both spreads, then focus on triple-checking the profits. soonyoung helps out whenever he is asked by either of them, but he’s mostly just there for seokmin. there’s a secret layer of seokmin that he knows well, but seokmin refuses to acknowledge: he’s weak and quite innocent. he wants soonyoung to hold his hand and while he won’t do that, he’ll stand beside him when he needs someone else’s presence to up his confidence. soonyoung understands him, he really does, because his job is a big deal. he’s got a hefty responsibility, pandering the magazine out to thousands of companies, hoping that they will want to buy advertisement space so that they can meet nayoung’s prospective profit estimate.

eventually they conclude the meeting and say their goodbyes to each other. seokmin follows after soonyoung until they are back at his cubicle. “can i take you home?” he asks suspiciously. soonyoung doesn’t trust seokmin right now. there’s a hidden objective in his voice that he doesn’t care for.even though seokmin might be one of soonyoung’s closest friends, he was the one he often did not want to spend too much time with. often their conversations would turn too serious and make soonyoung uncomfortable. it is just a vicious, endless cycle that neither of them get because they both get along so well with one another. “i don’t have any plans tonight and i owe you a case of beer.” he adds.

“you wanna drink tonight?” soonyoung lifts an eyebrow, shoving his arms into his jacket. “i thought that you didn’t drink on work nights anymore?” he doesn’t want to hear that seokmin thinks that _he_ needs it, because soonyoung is fine. he’s been coping quite well with wonwoo’s absence, even if seokmin likes to believe that he’s crying himself to sleep every night. “if you do, i don’t have a problem with it because i don’t have much to do until sungyeon turns in her work, but i have to let mingyu know that you are taking me home.” he tells him, grabbing his satchel to place back into his drawer. if he doesn’t have any work to do, then he usually just leaves his bag here. taking it home is always dangerous since he often loses everything that crosses his threshold. he’s surprised people can find their way out of his house.

seokmin shrugs. “i’m not against it, really, especially if i’m drinking with you. you can invite mingyu too.”

“i can’t tonight,” mingyu says, surprising the both of them. “thanks though. i have plans, so you saved soonyoung the trouble of trying to find another ride home.” he looks over at soonyoung and the expression he’s wearing makes him think that he knows exactly what mingyu has in mind. he just hopes that nothing goes bad for him because soonyoung won’t be in any state to help him if he ends up drinking with seokmin. he wants mingyu to keep himself safe.

“if your plans get cancelled, then just stop by.” soonyoung winks at him, then knocks his fist against the wall of his cubicle. “see you, yewon. make sure you get home before seungcheol so he doesn’t lock you in again.”

“can do!” she chirps without moving from her seat, seemingly unworried by being locked in by their boss again.

mingyu follows them down the stairs, but departs from them in the parking garage with a stiff wave. soonyoung wishes that he could hug him or wish him luck, or just let him know that soonyoung’ll be there for him if no one else is, but all of them just head for their rides instead. soonyoung hopes that his expressions convey his thoughts because he wants mingyu to know that he won’t be alone now that he’s confided in soonyoung. he really hopes that he understands.

on their drive home, soonyoung and seokmin sing along to a kpop cd that chan had made them at the top of their lungs, rolling down seokmin’s windows regardless of the rain. his car is old and the ride from their workplace to soonyoung’s home isn’t all that far, so seokmin isn’t concerned about its condition. seokmin drops soonyoung off at his house and promises to be right back after he’s changed and picked up the beer. “be sure to bring the receipt.” soonyoung wiggles his eyebrows as he walks backwards towards his door.

seokmin gives him a salute before soonyoung begins to jog the rest of the way to his door so he can hide away from the rain. he’ll also have to change because he’s wet and he doesn’t particularly want to get drunk in his work clothes, but he has another agenda after he shrugs his clothes off and finds a new outfit. his phone is in the pocket of his discarded jeans and he nearly runs to retrieve it. _drinking with seokim tonight_ , he sends off to wonwoo. he doesn’t know why he’s informing him, but he feels like he should. he wants wonwoo to know that when he answers his phone call at three in the morning, he’ll probably be fucked and want to crawl over to seoul and into wonwoo’s bed so he can be held in his arms.

 _please still call tonight_ , he adds, just in case wonwoo thinks that his text is incentive for him to avoid calling tonight.

he doesn’t get a response right away so wonwoo’s either sleeping or busy, instead of waiting for a response though, soonyoung goes out to settle in the living room to wait for seokmin to rejoin him. the two of them are well-known for their ability to keep the energy up wherever they found themselves and that includes wherever they are spending time with one another. he’s sure that both of them need a nice night in, even if that night does end up involving drinking. soonyoung will be keeping it slow, especially because he wants to be able to be there for mingyu if he ends up coming over.

it takes seokmin fifteen more minutes before he arrives back at soonyoung’s place with a pack of yuengling which is neither soonyoung’s favorite or least favorite, so he passes seokmin this time around, no receipt needed. usually he’s stingy with his money and only buys the cheapest beers that always make soonyoung have the worst hangovers ever. drinking with seokmin often felt like he was back in college and drinking straight from a keg, but every now and then, seokmin surprises him by not grabbing the first pack of beer he sees on a display. he takes the, thankfully cold, pack from seokmin  and places it into his fridge, pulling out two for them.

a bottle opener is given to him immediately and they head into the living room to drink.  

there’s only one pack of beer, so they aren’t as drunk as they could be, but soonyoung starts to feel a buzz after his second beer because he’s impossibly a lightweight. the third one is entirely unneeded, but they make a game out of it, _drinking and driving!,_ seokmin slurs and both of them dissolve into laughter. whatever place they got  in mario kart would be the amount of drinks they had to take from their beer. soonyoung ends up getting eleventh, then third, and then eighth. his drink is gone before he finishes his last eight, so he drinks from seokmin’s last beer.

they laugh impossibly hard, clutching at their sides and forgetting all of their responsibilities for the night, like wonwoo’s plants and seokmin’s overdue work. they dance to imaginary music, climbing atop soonyoung’s furniture and jumping around without any manners. seokmin doesn’t leave until midnight when both of them are sure that they have sobered up considerably. soonyoung makes seokmin walk in a straight line, say the alphabet backwards, and touch a finger to his nose. he passes all of soonyoung’s tests, but still soonyoung invites him to stay the night. it takes thirty minutes, but seokmin finally ends up winning the argument and leaves soonyoung with a pulsating head on his living room floor.

three hours later and wonwoo is calling. soonyoung is not sleeping, but he’s far from awake. he’s been staring up at the ceiling for as long as seokmin has been gone, his phone cradled in the palm of his hand. wonwoo had never texted him back, but he knew that he couldn’t resist calling him. it was part of his schedule by now and if he broke that schedule, then he wouldn’t be very happy with himself. the only time that wonwoo hadn’t called in the time since he left was when he had been incredibly busy for the whole day and immediately went to bed when he got back to the hotel and he had apologized to soonyoung over and over the next day for missing their scheduled call.  

a video of wonwoo shows up, but soonyoung does not reciprocate. instead, as soon as he sees wonwoo he groans. “you look so nice and i feel so bad, wonwoo… why did i drink without you… i’m going to be this ugly forever. this hangover will never end because you aren’t here to take care of me.” he whines into the phone, pouting as he examines wonwoo with bleary eyes. he looks so handsome and it really hits soonyoung how badly he misses him when he can see him like this. he almost wants to ask him if he can just switch back to audio only, but he decides against it. he’d rather see wonwoo, even if it was painful for him.

“hello to you too.” he smiles. his glasses are all askew on his face like he’s pushed them up unevenly. soonyoung wants to reach out and fix them, but he can’t. it would be silly to try. “glad to know that your night went just as planned.” soonyoung laughs, slinging an arm over his eyes. his head hurts whenever he moves, so laughing strikes it especially hard. “i can’t talk for long, but i figured that you’ll be wanting to get to bed soon. i’m surprised you aren’t in bed already.”

“it was tempting,” soonyoung confesses, shrugging. “but you are more tempting.”

“are you flirting with me?” wonwoo raises an eyebrow, and he must be still drunk because he swears that he sees wonwoo blush. he goes to straighten his glasses and soonyoung hums deeply, causing his chest to rumble pleasantly.

“do you want me to be flirting with you?” he asks instead of answering. wonwoo’s clearly surprised by his words. his mouth drops into a perfect little ‘o.’  he’s most likely trying to convince himself that soonyoung’s still drunk somehow, maybe he had extra drinks, but soonyoung knows he’s not. soonyoung doesn’t feel drunk in the slightest and instead all he can think about is how wonwoo is furrowing his brow and soonyoung wants to kiss right where the skin wrinkles.

wonwoo hums. soonyoung bets that he wishes that he could see him because then he could appraise his appearance and behavior, but if he could see soonyoung, then soonyoung wouldn’t be able to respond to him after he’s said, “it isn’t good to answer a question with a question.” he feels confident because he isn’t there on camera for wonwoo to watch.

“fair,” he agrees, nodding, twisting a finger in his hair. “then yes, i was flirting with you. i want to be more than flirting with you though.” this time, wonwoo’s expression doesn’t change and soonyoung has to wonder if he’s said something wrong. he even thinks there might be a lag, but no, wonwoo is buffering in real life. soonyoung feels a little sick to his stomach the longer that they sit in silence, but he manages to keep his dinner down. wonwoo finally gives him a small smile.

he seems shy when he speaks. “you should get to bed. i’ll stay on the line until you go to sleep. did you brush your teeth?” he asks. soonyoung grunts in response, rolling over onto his face. wonwoo’s question effectively works at changing the topic. he pushes himself off the ground with one hand and unsteadily makes his way to the bathroom, following wonwoo’s commands as he tells him to brush his teeth, change, and then get into bed. as he is falling asleep, he hears wonwoo telling him about his day and just when he’s about asleep, he hears siyeon’s voice asking wonwoo to come along with her. he tries to grasp onto it, to tell him not to leave, but he’s so tired. he can’t make out the conversation, but he wishes that he could. he hears wonwoo tell him goodnight, but he forgets how to move his lips and tongue so he can return the favor.

in his dreams, he kisses wonwoo and it tastes like rain.

.

.

luckily mingyu doesn’t end up coming to soonyoung’s place, so soonyoung thinks that’s for the best. but then he also doesn’t run into him at work for the next couple of days, although he does catch sight of him in the building. whenever he tries to approach him though, he seems to immediately busy himself with something around him or he disappears from soonyoung’s view completely. it confuses him, but he doesn’t try to overstep whatever boundaries mingyu might be laying between them right now. worrying about mingyu takes up a lot of his time, so he doesn’t even realize that he’s not moping over wonwoo until he’s roused from slumber at three in the morning by shinee’s _view_ , then wonwoo’s soothing voice telling him about his days.

it isn’t until the next week that he decides to finally say something to mingyu. he thinks about the various ways he could do it over the course of two days, and he decides on trapping mingyu by his car after work. he can afford to leave from his cubicle earlier than anyone else because sungyeon has only given him a few of her photographs so far. he’s done all he could do with them, examining them and checking her placement. he’ll have to scan them later, but he’ll save that until he has all of them in his possession. on the chosen evening, he leaves earlier than anyone else and hides himself by the driver’s side door of mingyu’s car. he doesn’t know what he’ll say or do, but he hopes that whatever he decides in the moment will end up working because he doesn’t need another friend to be distant with him.

mingyu apparently has been leaving from work earlier too. “hey,” soonyoung says, trying not to startle him too much as he steps out from behind mingyu’s car. still, he jumps and frowns at soonyoung. even so, soonyoung continues on, trying to pretend like he hadn’t meant to be hiding nearby his car. “do you think you can give me a ride home? no one in the office really offered when i told them that i didn’t have a ride home and the rain’s picked up again.” _stay casual_. he has to remind himself of his intentions with this meeting, because it isn’t to get anything out of mingyu. all he wants is to be able to talk to mingyu again. just when he thought they were starting to become friends, mingyu started giving him the cold shoulder and he wants to be able to reconnect with him. they don’t have to talk about this if mingyu doesn’t want to.

“oh, uh…” he seems to hesitate and if he doesn’t give in, then soonyoung doesn’t have a ride _and_ he’s failed his main objective. “...sure, yeah. i don’t have anything going on right now.” he admits, scratching the back of his neck before unlocking his car. there’s nothing in his passenger seat when soonyoung gets in this time. he quickly fastens the buckle and leans back in his seat, waiting for mingyu to join him, hoping that he doesn’t end up changing his mind.

when he gets in, he doesn’t look over at soonyoung, just closes his door and starts the car. almost all of his attention is dedicated to driving which soonyoung thinks is odd, but he doesn’t know mingyu well enough to know for sure that this is actually odd behavior or if he’s just overly focused in this moment. with the way he’s behaving in general, soonyoung wants to say that this is not just a focused moment. mingyu is trying to avoid something, but soonyoung doesn’t know what. maybe he thinks that soonyoung said something to someone about what he had confided within him, other than that, he doesn’t know what he could have possible done. the longer he spends in the car, the more irritable he gets. there’s a part of him that wants to kick open the door and just leave the cramped area that they have to share awkwardly because of soonyoung’s _genius_ plan. the whole drive is silent. no one dares to move from their designated spots as driver and passenger. it is only when they are in front of soonyoung’s house that they even shift to more relaxed positions.

“hey, thanks for the ride,” is all that soonyoung has to say to him now. he starts to reach for the door, intending to leave without another word, but mingyu’s voice stops him in his tracks. there’s some type of tremor in it that gets to him.

“he likes me too.” soonyoung’s head whips around so fast that he could believe that he just gave himself whiplash. a hand goes up to cradle his neck as he leans in closer to mingyu. mingyu blushes, pulling away from him a little. “we talked about it, but he… he’s scared to make it public too, so… we don’t know what to do. if we are even doing _anything…_ but...” he sounds so excited and soonyoung can’t help but feel excited for him too. his previous feelings of anger dissipate and all that he has left is happiness and excitement for his friend.

in true soonyoung spirit, he pulls mingyu in for a bear hug, squeezing him as tight as he can manage. “this is so good… i’m so happy for you… and him too, i guess! i hope you guys can figure out whatever it is that you both want.” it doesn’t really matter to soonyoung, whatever they decide, because clearly this is enough for mingyu right now and mingyu deserves whatever he wants, but also _so much more_. all soonyoung needs to do is be happy for him.

mingyu is the one to pull away. his whole face looks so bright that soonyoung can’t help but to smile so big that his cheeks hurt from it. then, all of a sudden, mingyu starts to cry. his whole expression crumbles so slowly, like he’s been smashed up into tiny pieces right in front of soonyoung. the noises that fall from his lips startle soonyoung into pulling him back into his embrace. there’s so much of mingyu that is just _so genuine_ , but that isn’t a weakness. he doesn’t let go of mingyu, doesn’t let him struggle in his grasp, just holds onto his shoulders as they shake. he doesn’t know why he’s crying, but he knows that sometimes… sometimes this is all that a person can do. falling apart just happens to be a necessary part of existing. he never could figure out how to avoid it, so he figures it must be necessary for humans.

“i thought he’d never talk to me again, soonyoung. “ his breath hitches. “i didn’t think anything would end up this good.”

soonyoung tries to shush him, rubbing circles against the middle of his back. “i know.” he chuckles, “for an optimist, you really expected the worse from this person, didn’t you?” there’s a part of soonyoung that wants to cry too. he knows how hard all of this will be for mingyu now. it had already been so hard, but now he’ll have to decide whether they will love openly, whether he will tell his parents, whether they will be able to tell their friends anything more than _no, i’m not single._ soonyoung hasn’t had to make those decisions in a long time, but he’s also given up on those decisions because he’s going to love openly, he’s already told his parents, and most of his friends already know about his preference too. but this isn’t about soonyoung right now. this is about mingyu and how things are changing for him.  

“i’m sorry… that i seemed like i was avoiding you,” mingyu is the one to pull away this time too, wiping his eyes with his sleeves. makeup stains them, but he doesn’t seem too concerned about it. “i mean, i wasn’t trying to, but i… didn’t want to make it obvious. i didn’t… know what to say, but i wanted to tell you first.” he chuckles weakly and he looks so pathetic, so distraught, but soonyoung couldn’t be happier for him. he reaches his own sleeve up, gripping it with his fingers as he tries to clean up some of the makeup that mingyu’s smeared across his face. “i just… wanted to make sure that it wasn’t all going to fall apart before i told you… i wanted it to work and i couldn’t imagine jinxing it.”

soonyoung shakes his head. “no, no. i understand. you take everything at your own pace. don’t worry about me. just let me know that we’re still friends. take all the time you need when you need it.” he doesn’t even know why he’s being so nice to mingyu, but he feels compelled to. if he had someone when he had gone through discovering himself, then he would have been entirely grateful. he supposes that because he never had someone there, he wants to be there for someone. they’ve gone from barely friends to sharing secrets and soonyoung wants to treat him how he should be treated. he wants to reassure him that this doesn’t make him any different and that he’s still accepted, still a person.

“do you want to come in?” soonyoung asks after a tentative minute where they are just soaking in the good news.

mingyu shakes his head, trying to calm his breathing. “i… lied when i said i had no plans. i think i’m going to go head over to his house and make him dinner.” he grins at soonyoung. “hopefully it won’t be the worst.” and soonyoung finds it so difficult to think that anything with mingyu could be the worst. he’s got to be one of the best people in the whole world to date. whoever it is has to realize how lucky they are to have someone like mingyu fawning over them. how lucky they are to know that they will be loved fully and completely by someone so loyal and compassionate.

he pulls him into his arms again and soonyoung is glad that someone can find some ounce of happiness without wonwoo because wonwoo is his happiness, but not everyone sees him that way. he doesn’t want anyone to dare to think of him that way. “go get ‘em,” soonyoung whispers, pulling away to ruffle his hair like he’s wanted to since he’s gotten the good news. mingyu grins down at him until the skin around his eyes crinkle and soonyoung wishes that he could be making wonwoo smile like that. he hopes that wonwoo can feel this type of love because soonyoung can. “i’m sending you good vibes throughout the whole night. be sure not to burn anything, or like, set his place on fire.”

with that, he climbs out of the car, waving to mingyu as he heads towards his front door. mingyu doesn’t leave until soonyoung is safely in his house with the door locked behind him, just like they are teenagers trying to sneak back into their houses after a night out. he all but throws his keys and wallet into the bowl they belong in.

he doesn’t consider the time when he pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials wonwoo’s number. he just lets it ring, hoping that he’ll be able to hear wonwoo’s voice. it feels like it has been so long when it has only been half a day. if wonwoo were here then they would be together right now and they would have been together at three in the morning, so maybe that’s why he feels his absence so strongly. even though wonwoo doesn’t live with soonyoung, he still spends almost all of his time with him at his house. before he had received his job assignment, they had been entertaining the idea of him moving in. he wishes he could just move all of wonwoo’s stuff in while he is in seoul, then he’d come home to soonyoung’s place as his permanent address. it’d be so simple. everything would fall into place.

“hello?” wonwoo sounds awake which shouldn’t bother soonyoung, but he wishes that he had woken him up, then at least that would have meant that he was getting some sleep tonight. it’s been almost two weeks, so he should be comfortable there by now, soonyoung figures, but soonyoung hasn’t even rediscovered comfort in his own apartment yet. the bed still feels so empty, the walls still feel so tall. without wonwoo, he feels like he’s just living in a strange place: an almost-home.”are you okay, soonyoung? it’s rare for me to get a call in the middle of the night.”

he hasn’t even taken his coat or shoes off. his back is still pressed firmly against the front door and his living room has never looked more intimidating. “hey, yeah, i just… really wanted to hear your voice. you are still up?” he asks, fiddling with the buttons on his jacket. he tries not to focus too hard on wonwoo’s voice or the noises that he makes in between his speech because then he’d really have to call himself desperate. it isn’t fair that he can analyze wonwoo like this, but he can’t see him or touch him or pull the breath that he’s just exhaled into his lungs.

“yeah, siyeon wanted to do something tonight, so we only got back a couple hours ago so i’m only now looking through my pictures.” he answers. “we ended up going to eat and then she went to some show while i just roamed the streets.” this is a confession because he wouldn’t have told anyone else that he had decided to skip a show just so that he could be alone, walking and exploring seoul. soonyoung revels in knowing these small slivers of wonwoo that only a few others might be privy to. “it was nice, but still no rain. i’ll be happy to be back home.”

soonyoung chuckles, shrugging off his jacket and leaving it on the floor. he kicks off his shoes as well and makes his way into his bedroom. “that’s not home? that’s where you came from though.” he’s being sneaky, trying to question something without making wonwoo uncomfortable. he’s not sure if it would make him uncomfortable. the laugh he receives from wonwoo is warm, thankfully. he throws himself on his bed, letting the mattress jostle his body on impact.

“i came from new york, soonyoung. you said goodbye to me at the airport.” he’s smart with his answer. soonyoung flushes out of some type of obscure embarrassment. it isn’t what he wanted, but it is an answer that makes him feel warm. it is always nice for him to get what he wants, or almost what he wants, but with wonwoo, it always comes with other emotions that he’s left to analyze and work through. wonwoo makes soonyoung feel _so much_. it is so ridiculous. he’s long graduated from both high school and college. “you know my home is there.” wonwoo says much softer.

“what if my home is there?” soonyoung asks, voice just as soft.

there’s a hitch in wonwoo’s breath that makes the hairs on the back of soonyoung’s neck stick up. he wants to see what expression he is making right now, wants to know what type of effect he is having on him. “is it?” he asks, and soonyoung thinks that he licks his lips, but it is hard to discern over the call. there’s a movement at least..

“it is,” he whispers so light that he doesn’t think that wonwoo’s heard him at first. “it hasn’t always been though.” he doesn’t know what this type of game is or why he’s started playing it, but he feels compelled to continue it until he absolutely cannot go any further. if he could be pressed against wonwoo right now, then he would be. he’d be touching him wherever he could reach. he’d be kissing every visible inch of his skin.

wonwoo seems to choose his words carefully. “what changed?”

“where you are, where you sleep.” he says, then chews on his bottom lip. his heart feels like it might burst.

a hum greets him over the line. “it’s risky to make a person a home.”

soonyoung laughs freely into the receiver. “i’d like to risk it all for you.” his voice is soft even though his laugh had been loud and free. “you said home was here, but my home is over there. one of us is going to have to move.”

“i will,” wonwoo breathes. “i’ll be there before you know it.”

the atmosphere is too tense now that soonyoung’s started this game, but he doesn’t want to end it. it’s late in the night on wonwoo’s end and soonyoung knows that that can be the loneliest time of the day for anyone. he wants to make wonwoo feel as alight with emotion as soonyoung is. he wants wonwoo to glow like the moon, to light up the night sky.

maybe he’ll blind seoul with that light.

“i’m going to have to go to sleep,” he says. “i wish i was there right now. i want to… there’s just so much.” it’s cryptic.

but soonyoung understands, “you’ll just have to get here as soon as you can then.” he replies. “goodnight, wonwoo. dream of me.” he laughs, but soonyoung knows that he wishes that he could assuredly dream of him.

.

.

“ay, here’s what you had me do.” sungyeon plops the prints onto soonyoung’s messy desk, causing him to look up at her. she’s one of the youngest in the office, but she is every bit a hard worker.. “if you need more, then i’m free for it, especially since wonwoo’s out, but there’s a bunch to pick from there. i made sure to communicate with jihoon this time so i knew everything that we needed other than wonwoo’s photos. i am taking all of his work other than the seoul piece, right?”

“yeah, did you consult with eunwoo because she wasn’t happy with some of our layout last time, so i just told her to throw out any pictures that she wasn’t okay with at all.” he asks, leaning forward in his seat. sungyeon nods.

she perches herself on the edge of his desk. she looks impossibly elegant even though her features are soft. soonyoung doesn’t know how he was gifted with two of the best photographers in america, but he definitely was and he was happy that he got to work personally with both of them. sungyeon is professional and does everything that soonyoung asks of her in a timely manner. she doesn’t replace wonwoo, but she produces work that is equally as good in her own distinct way. wonwoo’s just been doing it for so much longer. “she threw out a bunch this time around, but she loved them all. she just thinks that i’m not getting the look of the magazine as well as wonwoo does. svt and pristine are supposed to be different enough, but still similar and that’s ambiguous, really. who decides that they look similarly enough?”

“eunwoo,” says soonyoung which causes sungyeon to push against his shoulder. “what? i’m not wrong.”

“i know,” she says, “but i didn’t need you to get all smart with me.” her smile tells him that she isn’t upset with him in the slightest. he returns her smile as he sets her photos off to the side.. “are you going to look them over after lunch?”

he nods, even though she’s just reminded him that he’s allowed to go on lunch now, so he wasn’t even aware of when after lunch would be. he reaches over to grab his jacket. “i think i’m going to walk across the street and grab a burger. what about you?” he asks expectantly, pulling his jacket on.

“i’m going home, unless you need me around. the other editors don’t need me right now since we are moving so slow. i just figured that i’d get some sleep and if jeonghan or you call me in, then i’ll come back.” he nods. it makes sense to give her some type of break, especially because she works so much. wonwoo is solely a photographer, but sungyeon helps the copy editors out as though she’s one of them. “are you going to call wonwoo? he sent me an email with some of his pictures and they are beautiful. he’s going to give you a lot to work with, i think.”

“he always does,” he’s in his jacket now, so sungyeon moves away from his desk and follows him out of his cubicle. “i can’t wait to see the photos, do you think you can forward them over to me?”

“no,” she shakes her head. “the only message he included with them was, _do not send these to soonyoung_ . you don’t need to be worrying about his photos or his spread right now. we are only focusing on my work and if you finish the work with my photos before he gets back, which is _very_ unlikely, i’ll show them to you then.” it sounds just like wonwoo to tell her not to show him the photographs that he’s been taking half a world away, and it is just like sungyeon to tease him with said photos. he knows that he can wait because there are only days before wonwoo will be back, but he still wants to see them. he could tell wonwoo just by his photographs; he is enamoured with his beautiful captures.

he’s disappointed, definitely, but he also understands sungyeon. wonwoo’s photographs always have him immersed. sungyeon’s are mystical and full of clarity, but wonwoo’s moves him. he doesn’t know why wonwoo trapped himself by working for magazine instead of taking the world by storm. there’s little a magazine company can offer him, but soonyoung hopes that wonwoo is getting whatever he wants out of it because he deserves to be in _museums_.

“yeah, okay,” he thinks he manages to not sound disappointed, but he’s pouting. sungyeon mirrors him in a teasing way, exaggeratedly sticking her bottom lip out too far. “i’m going to get going now though, i’m starved. go back and get some rest before i call you in to complain about how you are missing something.” now her pout is real, not mocking him, but instead of complaining, they just separate from one another. sungyeon heads back to her makeshift, temporary cubicle to collect her things while soonyoung fishes his phone out of his pocket.

“hey, mingyu, i’m heading out.” he taps on the side of mingyu’s cubicle as he passes by him. “do you want me to grab you anything from the vegan place?”

“no, i packed today, thanks though!” mingyu calls from his seat, but doesn’t get up. he’s clearly still working diligently on his own tasks. soonyoung doesn’t bother him anymore, heading towards the stairs, checking his phone for any messages. in seoul, it is two in the morning, so soonyoung can’t call wonwoo, but he wishes that he could. he sends off a message, _heard about your pictures. why do you hate me!_ then another, _jk, but can you send me one at least?_

he’s miserable again, as soon as he sends the message off. wonwoo couldn’t be anywhere more inconvenient. they could hardly ever talk to each other because they were either busy or one of them is sleeping while the other one is bored. plus soonyoung is functioning having had barely any sleep, which isn’t anything new, but it just adds another layer to the misery he is already experiencing, especially when the reason why he stays up late at night is to talk to wonwoo until he falls asleep because he can’t do things like have lunch with him. the day he returns home seems so far off even though it is less than a week away now.

the burger joint across the street is quite literally across the street. it is wonwoo’s least favorite lunch spot, and minghao had hated it just as much, but soonyoung loves it. the greasy food makes him feel terrible, but it is wonderful as comfort food and their milkshakes are thick and cheap. even though he’s secure financially for the first time in his life, he still tries to hoard his money. he’s shy about spending it unless he’s at the bar or he’s gambling his money away. the latter is a rare occasion, but he had taken a trip with minghao to las vegas and he had come back with just as much money as he left with, but he didn’t quite care if that was the case. minghao had been just as risky a gambler as him too.

while he orders, his phone vibrates. he thinks little of it because it is most likely mingyu asking for him to get him a milkshake so he makes a mental note to order one for him. even if it wasn’t him, then he knows that mingyu will appreciate the gesture. soonyoung doesn’t just spend his money on anyone, mostly just on wonwoo, and often sungyeon, when she works hard and asks for minor things like food or gas money for traveling.

it isn’t until he is sitting down with his food and sticky, sickly sweet milkshake that he finally checks his phone.

it’s wonwoo surprisingly, _here you go!_ there’s an attachment in his message and soonyoung immediately opens it without a second thought. what greets him is a selfie. it is so soft, there’s little light in the room and the picture is blurry, but it is wonwoo in all his sleepy glory. it is just how soonyoung remembers waking up next to him. his hair is a mess, seemingly trying to sit every which way atop his head. soonyoung spends too long studying his smile, the way his lips are upturned, the way the picture seems so silly yet so cute. it is _endearing_ and soonyoung saves the image immediately.

he readies his phone to take a selfie of him drinking his milkshake, but then there’s an incoming video call from skype. he sputters as wonwoo’s picture appears, but answers it faithfully, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand just in case he’s already got chocolate staining it. “hey,” he says before the camera even loads for either one of them. he considers leaving the restaurant to talk to him, but it is already pretty empty, so he just settles into his booth, shrugging off his jacket, trying to find a good way to hold his phone so that he can both eat and speak with him.

“ah, i got you at lunch instead of just before. i should have figured when you messaged me.” he says. “i see you are still punishing your body.” soonyoung laughs, tipping his head back. it makes him more than a little happy to have wonwoo with him right now, even if he isn’t sitting across from him, or beside him as they rarely sit when they have to work while they eat. soon enough, he’ll be able to sit across from him again. “did you like my picture?”

“i loved it,” soonyoung says earnestly. “i saved it on my phone, so i’ll be able to have it forever when you decide to leave me for seoul again.”

“it is terrible, isn’t it?” wonwoo says. “i keep turning to my side to say things to you or make a joke and then you aren’t there. it is so wild. siyeon doesn’t think i’m very funny, plus she doesn’t really spend all that much time with me unless we are working on something together. it feels like i’m just here alone most of the time. i thought i’d get used to it by now.”

soonyoung pouts. he’d much rather be lonely around people who reach out and talk to him rather than be lonely in an estranged place without any friends. “why are you awake right now? shouldn’t you be getting some sleep?”

“i got a bunch, really. i went to bed around eight, so that’s… about six hours. it isn’t the worst night i’ve had.” both of them laugh. often, they seem to laugh at wonwoo’s expense, but soonyoung’s less worried about him now that he’s been reassured that he’s gotten quite a few hours of sleep. “i’m thinking about going back to sleep in a couple of hours and getting up before sunrise.”

a nod. “sounds like a plan. are you going to visit your parents or will you not have enough time?” he asks. wonwoo doesn’t often talk about his family, but soonyoung knows that he gets along better with them than soonyoung gets along with his own family. his grandmother is the only one that even calls him anymore.

“maybe,” he says, shrugging. “i don’t really want to, but if i don’t then i’m worried that i’ll regret it, you know.”

there’s no hesitation when soonyoung laughs. “no, i don’t know. i’d never regret not seeing my parents and they live just outside of the city.” wonwoo frowns, but he’s not upset. they’ve had variations of this conversations so often that neither of them even mind it anymore. there’s no argument to be had: soonyoung doesn’t want to make up with his parents and wonwoo wants to get along with his parents, but it is hard for both of them.

soonyoung came out to his parents when he was fairly young. they responded negatively and had enlisted the help of a therapist to try to convince him that his feelings were wrong and disgusting. when the therapy never took, they just moved him in with his grandparents who just coped with it by not mentioning it. his grandmother eventually came to accept him, but his grandfather passed away before soonyoung could even ask if he was accepted by him as well.

wonwoo’s family had all lost touch with one another due to wonwoo’s wish to travel and, eventually, move to america. some of them supported him, but most of them didn’t. many of them blamed him for the fissure, even wonwoo seemed to blame himself for it. his decisions had generated a lot of tension within his family, but that didn’t mean that he should just do whatever they wanted him to do. he had his own life to worry about and he was arguably happier now.

“if you do end up visiting them though, tell them i said hey.” soonyoung says. “i don’t know if any of them like me, but when i met them they didn’t seem to hate me and usually i know when parents hate me. you know, it comes from having parents that give off that type of vibe constantly, especially whenever we have to see enough other because of some familial event my grandma ropes me into or if i, like, need a box of my stuff that i forgot, you know.”

“yeah,” wonwoo sighs, but then smiles. “i will though. they like you, for the most part. you are hard to dislike really.”

“that almost sounds like a compliment,” soonyoung moves in too close to the camera. wonwoo laughs, rolling his eyes and soonyoung _really_ misses him. it infuriates him that he misses him more when he is speaking to him like this and he knows he’ll be home in such a short time. he really feels the distance then, because he knows what he could have, what he _will_ have. he knows that he will have wonwoo sitting across from him in a matter of days now. he will be so close that soonyoung could reach out and hold his hand, if he wanted to.

he wonders if wonwoo feels it too. “it may as well have been.” his smile is so pleasant. soonyoung wishes that he could touch his fingertips to the edges of wonwoo’s smile. his heart feels caught in the midst of wires, loving from afar is so painful. he doesn’t know how people can do it without wanting to combust. he could learn to be happy with wonwoo, like this, but he knows what it is like to have wonwoo close, to have him in his arms. he wants to have wonwoo that close forever. if he never knew what it was like to touch him, to hold him close, to have early morning conversations with him, then he would be able to do this, but he keeps tricking himself into thinking that wonwoo will just be there at home when he gets off of work, or that he can just go to wonwoo’s studio and he’ll be there pouring over his photographs.

“you must be after my heart being this kind to me,” soonyoung puts his free hand over his heart. his food is growing cold, but he can’t even begin to care. he’s been _gifted_ by wonwoo gracing his lunch hour. “you mustn’t spoil me too much.”

his laugh is so carefree, so full of actual happiness. _this_ spoils soonyoung more than it should, such a simple reaction. “i wouldn’t dream of it,” he shakes his head. “we all know how cocky you can get if you are spoiled too much, so i have to make sure to knock you down a peg at the first chance i get.” both of them laugh then, watching each other until both of them come down from whatever momentary high they were on.

the air turns serious again. “i miss you.” wonwoo’s voice is so soft. it melts him down until he is a puddle.

but he hates how serious it is. he doesn’t want to have this tension surrounding them when wonwoo is so far away. he wants to be able to talk about it and reach through it. “i miss you too,” he says without hesitation this time. “i’ve had to spend all my mornings with mingyu because you’ve left me all alone here.” wonwoo’s face looks surprised, but he doesn’t say anything about it. soonyoung doesn’t think it is so weird to hear that he’s spent time with mingyu recently, but wonwoo is close to mingyu, so maybe it is surprising to him. “it is still raining here, is it still not raining there?”

“nope, i don’t think it will before i leave” wonwoo shakes his head. soonyoung takes his phone and rotates it until it is angled towards the rain-speckled windows. the rain has calmed down from this morning, but it hasn’t stopped yet. wonwoo hums in appreciation before soonyoung moves back into the camera’s focus. “you’ll have to get back soon, won’t you? i’m keeping you from actually eating your lunch.”

he takes a quick sip of his milkshake. it is just starting to really melt, so he’ll be able to drink it within the time he has left if they end the call right here. if he doesn’t finish his burger then he’ll be able to just take half of it back into the office with him, he’ll just have to eat it in a conference room or the lobby instead of his cubicle. he doesn’t need greased fingers touching all of his papers and photographs. “yeah, i think i should. you should probably try to get a couple more hours of sleep at least. call me whenever you are free. i’m more than used to our schedule by now.” he chuckles, and wonwoo makes a sympathetic face, like he agrees with soonyoung.

“well, alright. i’ll talk to you later.” he gives a small smile and soonyoung returns the gesture by pressing his lips to the camera, making a _mwah_ sound. as he hangs up, he catches the tail-end of wonwoo’s laughter and it brings a smile to his face. even from so far away, wonwoo can still make him feel like the lightest man in the world.

it’s absolutely ridiculous, but soonyoung loves it.

.

.

“time to go,” soonyoung doesn’t even register mingyu’s voice at first. he’s immersed in examining sungyeon’s photos for this month’s spread. he only notices mingyu when he is looming over his shoulder. he jumps in surprise, clutching his shirt in an exaggerated manner. “sorry,” mingyu is quick to apologize.

soonyoung places a hand on his side, pushing mingyu over as he gets up from his seat. “it is okay. you just scared the shit out of me. i was still going over all of these, sorting them.” he explains. “i didn’t even hear you.”

“i noticed,” mingyu chuckles, reaching for soonyoung’s bag to help him pack it. he holds it open while soonyoung fills it with the photographs that he’s sorted already. there’s a pile of the ones that he’s yet to decide what to do with, and he makes sure that the stack is aligned before he puts it in with the rest of them, making sure to keep all the stacks separated from one another. “you said you wanted a ride home today, right? it is still raining.”

“i’ve walked home in worse, but i have this with me today,” he pats his satchel. it is waterproof, but he doesn’t want to risk it, “so i’d love a ride, thanks.” soonyoung latches his bag, then makes sure that his computer is turned off before he follows mingyu out of his cubicle. on their way towards the stairs, soonyoung stops by the conference room to say goodbye to a tired-looking seungcheol. “see ya, boss. also bye, my boss’s most trusted minions.”

joshua and jeonghan both give waves at his expense, then mingyu also bids his farewell to them. “have a good night, drive safe,” joshua says, pushing his fringe back. jeonghan pushes a piece of his hair behind his ear as he returns his attention to seungcheol who gives a small two-fingered salute to mingyu and soonyoung.

their descent down the stairs is unusually quiet. mingyu doesn’t actually talk again until they are in his car and all he does is ask if soonyoung wants the ac on. even for a rainy day it is hot outside. he’s acting like how he did when he was avoiding soonyoung last week. “sure. you okay?” he asks, leaning back in his seat, searching beside him for the lever that will let him adjust how he’s sitting. he’s been in his car enough times for him to claim this passenger seat as his own, so he can mess with it if he wants to.

“don’t ask as though it isn’t obvious…” mingyu says quite harshly, starting the car. he’s not meeting soonyoung’s eye as he fiddles with the radio, then turns the ac on low. soonyoung doesn’t even know how to respond or what to say.

there are situations where soonyoung knows exactly what he’s done wrong, knows exactly where he’s royally fucked up, but this is not one of them. actually, he has no clue as to what the issue at hand here even is, so he feels not only like a jackass, but also an idiot. “what’s obvious?” he finally breaks while mingyu is pulling out of his parking spot. “i have no idea what you are talking about. i didn’t… i don’t really understand. did i do something?”

“what?” mingyu looks at him. he looks just as confused as soonyoung feels. “are you serious?” soonyoung nods, trying to convey to mingyu that he really has no idea what is wrong. “oh, nevermind then. you didn’t do anything, i just thought you had figured it out...” he says, eyes darting away from soonyoung as he turns from the parking garage onto the main road. he knows exactly what he’s referring to now, but he doesn’t know the _who_ of it.

“that’s alright,” soonyoung says, even if he’s not sure if it is alright, but he knows that he’s not upset with mingyu, just really confused now. _this has to do with either seungcheol, joshua, or jeonghan, i bet._ he settles back into his seat, turning the volume on the radio up before doing so. he lets mingyu take him home, even lets him walk up to the door with him. it doesn’t matter to him who he’s involved with, if it is even any of them. when mingyu wants to tell him, he will.

“sorry about that.” mingyu apologizes as soon as soonyoung opens his mouth to thank him for the ride. “we haven’t really figured out much yet, so i panicked when i realized that i might have been obvious.” he nods, because he understands that feeling. it had been the same for him, but he has been doing a lot better with managing the weight on his shoulders. he has long ago accepted himself. mingyu is having some trouble finding himself without being able to conversate with someone about what he’s going through. it is as though he has to say things for them to be true.

soonyoung used to feel like that. “no problem. thank you for letting me bum rides off of you these past weeks. do you think you can pick me up tomorrow if it is raining?” he asks sheepishly. it’s embarrassing to have to ask favors out of anyone, especially when soonyoung likes to prove that he can be independent (even if he loves being spoiled just as much), but he knows that mingyu doesn’t really mind.

a quick nod is given in response. “of course.” mingyu smiles and it is all teeth. soonyoung finds himself returning the smile easily. “see you tomorrow then. have a good night, soonyoung!” he waves as he clumsily climbs down the short flight of stairs leading to soonyoung’s apartment. soonyoung waves until mingyu’s back at his car, only then does he turn towards his door to dig out his keys.

once inside, he places his wallet and keys where they are supposed to go.

there are eight hours before wonwoo will call.

while waiting for his call, soonyoung fixes dinner and returns to pouring over sungyeon’s photographs, specifically the ones that he has formed no opinion on yet. there are only so many pictures that can go into each magazine, but sungyeon is in charge of every page except for siyeon and wonwoo’s five page spreads in the midst of  both magazines. sungyeon has gone through the trouble of listing which photographs are for what pages, but soonyoung has the freedom to move any around if he sees fit. he hasn’t yet which annoys him. sungyeon is so young, so for her to be so organized irritates him. he was never that organized when he was her age, but he didn’t have a job at a famous magazine company either. when he was her age, he was still in college, living vicariously as a partygoer rather than a dance and art major.

four hours before wonwoo’s scheduled call and soonyoung still hasn’t found any errors in sungyeon’s judgement, to his extreme dismay. the sun has set by now and soonyoung feels the hours of work wearing down on him. he considers a shower, but ends up just laying down on the floor where he’s working. staring up at the ceiling, he can lose himself in the flow of his thoughts. when he closes his eyes, he can see sungyeon’s photographs playing like a slideshow in his mind.

he wakes up to shinee’s _your number_.

—1:43am

“shit,” soonyoung says, fumbling for his phone with bleary eyes. it is across the room, not in the bowl where his keys and wallet reside, but right beside it. it takes an extra minute for his mind to catch up with him to tell him it is there and by the time he is on his feet the music has stopped. “shit, shit,” he keeps muttering to himself as he struggles to unlock his phone. when he does, he’s greeted with a single message _four missed calls!_ which are all from siyeon, not wonwoo.

he’s never woken up so quickly before.

his hands are shaking as he calls her back, holding the phone up to his ear. uneasily, his stomach churns as he waits. one ring, then two, and he doesn’t know why he’s chewing on his fingernails, but something feels wrong. his whole body feels cold. there’s no reason why siyeon would be the one calling him unless wonwoo’s phone has died or broken, but wonwoo has never called him more than two times in a row within the same hour. nothing about this feels right, but soonyoung has no idea what could be wrong. siyeon answers on the fourth ring.

her voice sounds erratic. “i didn’t know who to call. i called his parents and seungcheol wouldn’t answer no matter how many times i called, and _you,_ you weren’t answering either, so i didn’t know what to do, but… i tried to call anyone i could. the ambulance, the ambulance took him away. i didn’t get to see him. i don’t know if he’s okay, i can’t find his room, this hospital is too big. i don’t know… i really don’t know if i did anything right or if i did anything wrong.” she’s just throwing words at him. he doesn’t even know if she knows what she is saying, if she knows that she sounds like how his stomach and heart both feel right now. he wants to throw up even though he doesn’t even know anything yet. the words are swimming in his mind and it makes bile rise to his throat. he can’t just go get into a car and drive to him. he’s oceans away. wonwoo might be hurt and there is nothing that soonyoung can even do about it.

“slow down, breathe, siyeon. you’ve done everything right. go to a nurse and ask where he is. let her know that you are all he has because you two are both visiting. see if that can get you the information you need.” soonyoung’s never been good at remaining calm in stressful situations, but he does know how to lead others. listening to his own voice makes him feel dissonant because he sounds so calm and put together, but that’s not how he feels at all. “after you ask, take a couple of deep breaths and then tell me what happened.”

“okay,” she stutters, but then the line goes so silent that soonyoung almost thinks that she’s hung up. he starts to pace around his living room, taking care not to step on any of the photographs, but finding it incredibly hard to continue to walk on his shaky limbs. his whole body is quivering. he’s never been this anxious before, this _scared_. the only time that comes close to this  is when he came out to his parents. his whole body had trembled until he was sure that he was just going to fall apart. he thinks he really might fall apart this time. last time, he had been so convinced, but this time he feels the way that his body wants to collapse, the way his knees ask to fold so badly that he has to get on the floor.

once he is there, he realizes that there’s too much room. he pushes his feet on the floor until his back hits the wall, then he pulls his knees up to his chest. it doesn’t calm his breathing or his heartbeat, but it makes him feel small. it makes him feel like he’s not surrounded by the whole entire universe. he can focus on just himself, just this phone call now.

siyeon sounds calmer when she returns. “okay. i’ve got his room number now.” she’s still shaking just like soonyoung. he can tell because it has crept into her voice. “but… what i was saying. he, we, when we went out today, apparently he was in some type of car accident. i think he was taking a taxi or something and i don’t know. i don’t know. i won’t know until i see him. i think he’s fine. i don’t know? soonyoung, it was so scary. i saw the wreck and it was… it was so bad. he’s alive, i mean, but that wreck was… so bad. i don’t know how anyone made it out of it alive. i thought he was going to die, soonyoung. i thought… i just thought… so many things could have happened differently.”

“but this happened. don’t… don’t beat yourself up over it.” he inhales and exhales carefully. siyeon is young, but she’s knowledgeable and brave. “if you can, go to his room. he’ll want someone to be with him even if he says he doesn’t. tell him that soonyoung would want you to be there for him.” he wants to be there. he won’t ever let wonwoo leave him again because there will always be a chance that something like this will happen and he won’t be able to be beside him to tell him that it will be alright if he is this far away. he never dreamed that something like this could happen until it already has happened. he hadn’t even considered the possibility until now. “can i just… stay on the line and hear his voice? don’t tell him that i’m on the phone or anything, it’ll just worry him to know that i’m worried.”

“yeah, okay,” siyeon’s voice still wavers, but she’s calmed down extremely well from when he first picked up the phone.

if he strains, then he can hear the thrum of the hospital and the lives residing there. there’s movements all around siyeon, but soonyoung isn’t there and when he closes his eyes, he can construct something fake, but it doesn’t take him there, it doesn’t show him if wonwoo is unharmed. soonyoung can’t know if he’s broken his leg or will need a wheelchair or if he’s perfectly fine with a couple of bruises. all he can visualize are white hallways with nurses and doctors bustling around.

a door closes. he never heard it open “hey,” siyeon’s voice sounds far away, but soft. she’s managed to stabilize the shakiness in her voice somehow. “it was hard to find your room, but i’m here now. are you alright? what’d the doctor say?”

there are noises that soonyoung can’t discern. the phone is not anywhere convenient enough for him to be able to place himself in that room. he cannot see wonwoo, cannot ascertain that he’s alright. “just a few cuts and scrapes. i have a particularly deep gash in my side, but they don’t seem worried about it because they said i could be on my way tonight. they’ve already stitched it up and taken care of everything else.” wonwoo’s voice is easy to make out. it is so deep and he speaks so clearly even when the sound is muffled on soonyoung’s end.

siyeon sighs, he thinks that he is what he hears. “that’s good. i went ahead and called the airport to get our flight moved to tomorrow morning.” soonyoung has to hold a hand against his mouth to stifle the noise that he makes. he’s going to have wonwoo home earlier than planned, maybe injured and patched up, but he’ll be coming home to him _tomorrow_.

“ah, alright,” wonwoo sounds tired.

siyeon excuses herself out of the room. “did you hear that?” she asks quietly, probably just outside of his door.

“yeah, thank you,” soonyoung says. “i’ll probably call him later, if i can. you can tell him that you told me, but only if he asks. i don’t want him to worry, still, even if his injuries aren’t serious. did he look okay? is he telling the truth?” maybe somehow wonwoo knew that soonyoung could hear him, so he lied about his condition, although soonyoung knows that that can’t be the case because they wouldn’t be getting onto a plane tomorrow if he really couldn’t go home tonight.

it takes her a minute to answer, but she finally does. “yeah. he looks pretty good. i expected him to look real beat up. he’s got a bruise on his face and i haven’t seen his gash, but he’s sitting up and he’s not connected to a bunch of machines. i really thought that he was going to be hooked up to some machines and it was going to look so scary. i really, really didn’t want him to look all frail and hurt.” she cares about wonwoo, so soonyoung’s glad that she’s there with him. he also hopes that wonwoo’s parents show up to take care of him before he’s boarding the plane and on his way back home. that’s all he wants is for everyone to take good care of him until he can take over.

“i’ll have him call you though.” she says when she realizes that soonyoung isn’t going to respond.

“okay. thank you again. i really am glad that you are there for him.” he exhales shakily, then inhales until his chest feels uncomfortably full. “i’ll talk to you later. let me know what time your flight comes in.”

“can do,” siyeon says and it almost sounds like she’s back to normal, like nothing happened and they simply changed their plans instead. it’s only three days earlier than planned, so neither of them will lose much of their work by leaving a day early, but both of them probably had wanted to see their parents with the extra time they had after they finished all of their work. “sorry that i woke you up.” she apologizes, “get some sleep, soonyoung.”

“i can try,” he laughs weakly, then he hangs up the phone. his hands drop to his sides and he can’t stop the bubble of nervous laughter. he’s never going to be letting wonwoo this far away from him ever, ever again.

.

.

“is it safe for you to travel?” soonyoung asks, chewing on the sleeve of his sweatshirt, well, wonwoo’s sweatshirt that he not-so-secretly stole from wonwoo’s bag before he left. he hadn’t needed it until last night. it hadn’t helped him sleep any better, but it smelled like wonwoo and wiped his tears. “the doctors have totally checked you out? no concussion or… whatever?” there’s nothing he wants more than for wonwoo to be on his way back home so he can greet him at the airport with the big gaudy sign that he had made during the first two days after he left. not working weekends really left him with too much extra time on his hands. having wonwoo gone for three weeks gave him two full weekends free. that was about ninety-six hours to sleep, to overthink everything, and to struggle to cure his excessive boredom.

“totally safe. i honestly made it out largely unscathed. i don’t think i’ll be getting into a taxi anytime soon, but i’m fine, really. siyeon would have tattled on me if i were lying to you.” wonwoo chuckles. the line encounters static for a minute, but then wonwoo’s voice is back to normal at his ear. “too bad you can’t drive me around, i think i’ll have to walk everywhere now until i can look at cars again.” he’s joking, but soonyoung knows that he won’t be driving for a couple of weeks, at least. the streets here are different, but soonyoung isn’t sure they are different in a better way.

his sleeve leaves his mouth when he laughs. “i’ll learn to drive for you then. i’ll enroll in the classes right now.” more laughter from wonwoo causes soonyoung to smile. he does sound so much better than when he had eavesdropped on his muffled voice while siyeon spoke with him. “maybe i will have my permit by the time you have conquered your fear of cars.” he starts to chew on his sleeve again, leaving it in his mouth even as he speaks. “you come in at three right? i want to be there. siyeon said she was pretty sure that it was three.”

“yeah, i think that’s right. i don’t have the information with me right now, but i will message you before we get on to let you know exactly what flight we’re on. are you going to bring sungyeon with you to greet us? she’ll want to rub her photos in my face as soon as we land.” he’s laughing again and soonyoung could almost believe that he isn’t sitting in a hospital bed waiting for his parents to arrive to see him off.

there goes his sleeve again, covered in his spit, he grimaces at it. “no, i am bringing mingyu though. he says that i can’t hog you, plus he’s missed you tons. sungyeon already gave all her pictures to me, so i can rub them in your face in her stead, if you’d like.” wonwoo makes a strangled noise that soonyoung doesn’t understand, it has him leaning forward from his seated position on his living room floor. if he lets his attention waver from the call, then he can hear the rain softly tapping against his windows. it feels as though it hasn’t stopped raining for days, but wonwoo hasn’t really asked about the rain lately.

 _it seems like something’s on his mind…_ soonyoung suspects, but he doesn’t push. with wonwoo, he just doesn’t push. if there is something that wonwoo has to tell him, then it will come out. “hey,” and all of a sudden, there it is. “i wanted to tell you myself, so i told siyeon not to tell you… but my camera... was ruined in the wreck. i don’t think we’ll be able to pull anything from the memory, i don’t even know if i can get the sd card out, but i’m bringing it so we can try, at least. i’m… so sorry about this. i know that i should have uploaded all of them online, but… it’s....” his mood has turned somber. soonyoung thinks that he is expecting him to be angry with him about this, but all he can think about is how wonwoo could have been ruined in that wreck. it might not have been just his camera if something had gone terribly wrong.

“well, yeah, we can look at it when you get here since you didn’t throw it out.” it is simple. soonyoung doesn’t want to worry or fight today. wonwoo’s been through enough, and by extension, so has soonyoung. both of them deserve a light conversation before wonwoo would be boarding his fifteen hour flight back to new york. “plus you sent some pictures over to sungyeon, so even if you hate those, we have something to work with at the end of the day.”

his voice is still quiet, still full of emotion that soonyoung wants to remove from him forever. “yeah…”

“i mean it,” he makes sure he’s stern when he says it. “don’t worry about it right now, just get back home, alright? no sudden plane crashes or you falling down stairs or something like that. just… come back home with minimal injuries.”

there’s a chuckle from wonwoo, but soonyoung has to wonder how genuine it really is. “alright, alright.” his voice softens. “i will be careful and i’ll be home, but not soon enough. these last three weeks have felt… so long. i can’t wait to go home and curl up with you in bed.” there’s a lightness to his voice that soonyoung cannot hold onto, but he’s grasping at it.

his world stops like there’s a god and he’s holding the biggest camera in the world and he’s just froze this moment in time with one _click_ of the shutter. for wonwoo, the prospect of home means soonyoung. it means soonyoung’s bed, soonyoung’s sheets, soonyoung’s embrace. it shouldn’t come as a shock because he relates wonwoo to home and their conversation the other night had made it seem like that is what his idea of home was already, but to hear him say it without soonyoung prompting him makes soonyoung feel so bright.. to actually know that they feel the same… it fucks soonyoung up, but in the best way possible. he feels all choked up inside: snotty and tearful. when he speaks, he has to will himself not to swallow his words. “i can’t wait to have you here.” he says it so quietly because if he raises his voice then it will waver and he’ll be caught.

“alright. i guess i should be getting back to my hotel room to get ready for the flight.” he doesn’t sound like he wants to get off the phone, but soonyoung knows better than to leave him on the line. they could talk for hours about nothing, or they could also just stay on the line and listen to each other’s breathing. soonyoung always thought he was bad at calling others, but wonwoo proves him differently, or maybe it just has to do with him loving to talk to wonwoo in whatever way he can. it is a reminder that wonwoo’s alive and thinking about him and wanting to come home _to him_.

soonyoung sighs, “that’s fine. i should be calling mingyu to make sure that we have our plans set up for tomorrow.” the rain taps out a rhythm that he’s familiar with against his roof. he hopes that it still rains once wonwoo gets here.

“is it raining?” wonwoo asks quietly. soonyoung thought that he forgot about it.

he nods before he realizes that wonwoo can’t see the motion, then he laughs breathlessly at himself. “it’s been raining everyday since you’ve left.” there should be meaning in that, but there isn’t. the rain is something that both of them enjoy, if anything, it is as though soonyoung has had a comforting presence everyday. he’s been able to have this, even if he couldn’t share it with wonwoo. it made him feel surrounded when he was alone and it made him think of wonwoo whenever he looked outside. neither of them had any memories of being in the rain, but both of them thought that rain was _good_. it caused crops to grow and flourish and it felt so good against their skin when the heat of summer was sticking uncomfortably to them. the sky isn’t crying; it’s rejoicing. each raindrop is comforting, to them.

“talk to you later,” soonyoung finally says, unable to work through wonwoo’s silence. he doesn’t know what it means. wonwoo echoes him and ends the call, so soonyoung won’t be getting closure either. all he’ll have is his own words echoing in his ears, the hidden meaning of them unknown even to him. _it’s been raining everyday since you’ve left_.

and yet he’s still been so lonely even with that comfort.

shaking himself out of his stupor, he unlocks his phone so he can dial mingyu’s number. he answers promptly. “hey, i just got off the phone with wonwoo. he really does sound alright.” abandoning his sleeve, soonyoung starts to chew on his fingernails, picking himself up from the floor. he paces around his house as he talks to mingyu about tomorrow’s plans. only when the call is about to end does he head into his bathroom to start running a shower. mingyu’s happy to hear that wonwoo is doing better and he jots down all the necessary information about the pick up they’ll be making tomorrow.

“well, i’ll see you tomorrow. maybe we can get lunch beforehand?” mingyu tries. soonyoung appreciates how he always seems to care. he never fails to think about others and what he can do for them. mingyu is the type of friend that no one really deserves because he gives with his whole heart, even when he jokes, he’s still so maternal and watchful. if he were to overstep any boundary, soonyoung bets that he’d make it up to the person in anyway he could.

soonyoung nods, “yeah, sounds great to me. we can just eat at the airport, actually unless you have some place in mind.” it wouldn’t surprise soonyoung at all, for mingyu to be completely ready for tomorrow already. this phone call was probably just to double check that all of his information was correct so that they wouldn’t be late to the airport. both of them say goodbye, then soonyoung finally gets into the shower.

when he steps in, the water is warm and while soonyoung and wonwoo might not have any special memories concerning the rain, the shower is a different story. soonyoung remembers the night they started talking as friends rather than as just employees. he had thrown a party at his house after minghao had left for good. it was a good idea in theory, but with all of the people filing in and out of his new apartment, threatening to spill cheap wine onto his plush carpet and standing atop furniture as though the floor wasn’t enough to contain them, he realized it was actually the worst idea. he had drank too much, too fast, then drank even more after that. by the time the latest partygoers had arrived, his head was already lolling, consciousness slipping. he honestly was moments away from passing out on the floor when he had climbed into his bathtub, fully clothed and turned the shower on. the stream of water wasn’t scalding like he had thought it’d be, instead it was a gentle warm temperature that seeped into his clothing as he sat there, trying hard to stay focused on anything. if he were sober, then it’d be incredibly uncomfortable, but he was drunk and it felt like _heaven_.

wonwoo had found him there, but instead of stopping the shower or going home, he had gotten in behind him and rubbed soothing circles against his back. _is it raining?_ soonyoung had asked, tilting his head back to look at wonwoo, but he had shook his head in response, placing his forehead against soonyoung’s shoulder. in his drunken state, he didn’t realize that wonwoo was laughing, but he remembers the way his body shook against his. he stayed there until the water turned cold, then he helped soonyoung change and get into bed. soonyoung thinks that he remembers telling wonwoo that he could borrow some of his clothes too, but that whole night was like a blur. when soonyoung woke up in the morning, wonwoo had been asleep on his couch and while he couldn’t remember all that much about the party, he remembered being under the steady stream of water from the showerhead with him.

everything had changed then because wonwoo became a significant part of soonyoung’s life. their relationship had shifted from professional to familiar within one night. soonyoung remembers presenting wonwoo with coffee and breakfast that morning and the two of them were able to just sit down with each other as though they had always been friends. when wonwoo had asked why soonyoung got in the shower that night, soonyoung had explained to him that rain calmed him, so he thought that a shower might have the same response. he then told wonwoo about the loss of their social media manager, of _his_ best friend and confidant. wonwoo knew about his newfound loneliness before anyone else and he had supported him when he didn’t know how to, couldn’t, reach out to anyone else.

every shower is warm to soonyoung now. it gives him a chance to think by himself and it does have the calming effect that he wanted it to have while he was drunk that night. underneath the spray of water, he’s able to just relax.

tomorrow, he’ll have wonwoo back.

.

.

the knocking wakes him up before his alarm does. he doesn’t wake up slowly like he usually does. the present circumstances disallow him that liberty. his semiconscious mind flies to wonwoo, all the way to seoul or wherever his plane is flying over if everything is going to plan. there’s no reason for mingyu to be here this early, but for all he knows, he might need him. if mingyu trusts him now, then he could think that he can come to soonyoung whenever he needs to talk to someone. even so, he doesn’t know why mingyu would be here at… nine in the morning. soonyoung groans, throwing off his sheets and picking up a shirt from his floor.

when he makes it to his door, the last person he’s expecting to see is seungcheol. he fixes his posture in front of his boss, greeting him with a small smile. “seungcheol… hey,” he says, opening the door more in a way that he hopes is inviting.

he doesn’t look upset, so soonyoung isn’t exactly sure why he’s making a home visit. he doesn’t try to enter his apartment either though. soonyoung hopes that everything is fine. “when siyeon called me, she never said that they were coming back today. i would have talked to you yesterday if i had known.” he shakes his head. “i thought they would just stay the extra days like they were supposed to, but i’m not upset that they are on their way home either. i would have told her to go ahead and get the tickets to come home if she had brought that up with me.”

 _maybe she was scared you would say no_ … there were some of the girls that just couldn’t meet seungcheol’s eye, especially when he tended to stay cooped up in his office. more of the guys in the office actually knew him personally and knew the kindness that lurked beneath his professional exterior. he was a born leader with controlled expressions, but he was anything but a cruel boss. if someone needed to go to him, then he would always be there for them. soonyoung definitely knew that or else he wouldn’t have reassured mingyu that seungcheol would protect him from office gossip. instead though, he says, “yeah, i had no idea they didn’t tell you. they’ll be in around three. what’re you doing here so early? what do you mean that you would have talked to me on friday?”

he smiles, which is good, soonyoung has to reassure himself. he doesn’t know the protocol for unplanned visits from his boss. there’s no precedent for this. when they are both drinking at a bar or partying at someone’s house, he knows how they can and should interact, but this is untraveled territory: territory that only joshua and jeonghan know well. “i wanted to let you know that you can take monday and tuesday off with wonwoo. i can’t give you anymore than that unless you want to use your vacation days, but i figured you’d appreciate that. eunwoo said she’d look over everything you have done now so we won’t lose much time. all that we’ll have left is fixing anything she’s not happy with and you can just work closely with her on wonwoo’s spread.” it surprises soonyoung, but he manages to not show it in his expression.

“thank you,” he says, but then in usual soonyoung manner he adds, “you know phones are things, right?”

seungcheol, thankfully, laughs, clapping a hand against his shoulder. “yeah, but mingyu didn’t let me know what time you guys were leaving, so i panicked instead of calling him back. i was already nearby since jeonghan needed me to pick him up from joshua’s house.” that comes as no surprise since jeonghan and joshua spent most of their time together already. they were more like roommates than jeonghan and his actual roommate, chan. soonyoung would wager that he saw chan on a more regular basis than jeonghan did. “sorry about waking you.”

“how do you know you woke me?” soonyoung lifts an eyebrow, leaning in closer to seungcheol teasingly.

it earns him another hearty laugh from his boss. “your bedhead is some of the worst i’ve yet to see in all twenty-eight years of my life and i have to live with myself.” soonyoung laughs alongside him, self-consciously running his fingers through his hair in an attempt to tidy it. he should have looked in the mirror before he answered the door, but he had figured it was going to be mingyu, a close friend,  rather than his _boss_. his t-shirt is definitely rumbled too because it had spent several nights on the floor. he probably even smelled, regardless of the shower he  took yesterday. he had a habit of forgetting to turn his air conditioning on when he’s alone and consequently sweats throughout the night. he’s lucky he didn’t sleep in this shirt because then his sweaty armpits would have greeted seungcheol.

“anyway, i have to get going, jeonghan’s in the car waiting for me to take him home.” he turns away. “tell wonwoo i said hi, and to call me as soon as he’s settled back in.”

soonyoung lifts his hand to wave to seungcheol as he heads down the stairs. “can do. thanks for swinging by. i really appreciate it. i’ll talk to you later.” he continues waving until seungcheol gets back into his car and it isn’t until he’s driving away that soonyoung realizes that it isn’t raining today, of all days. the only day he’s ever actively wished for it to rain.

he heads back into his apartment.

mingyu comes by hours later to pick soonyoung up after he’s showered, dressed, and prepared himself for the day ahead, both mentally and physically. they get into the car without talking much, mostly because they are filled with an indescribable but shared anxiety. soonyoung feels jittery and he can tell that mingyu is excited too because he keeps fiddling with the radio which he rarely touches normally.

“where are we going to get lunch?” soonyoung asks, still resisting the urge to prop his feet up on the dashboard. even though he’s rode with mingyu for the better part of three weeks, he still cannot work up the familiarity that he has with wonwoo. mingyu’s things are not his own, but when it comes to wonwoo’s properties, he feels like he has some type of stake in them, at least where some things are concerned. maybe wonwoo’s whole car wasn’t privy to soonyoung, but his passenger seat was every bit soonyoung’s as it was wonwoo’s. “i don’t want it if you are taking me to another hipster type joint for some fancy ass shit. if you want to eat healthy, then we can just go to subway at the airport.”

mingyu beats his fingers against the steering wheel in rhythm to the song that’s playing. soonyoung has long switched to a massive collection of cds that mainly belonged to wonwoo, so he rarely recognizes the music that plays on the radio. he makes a noise in the back of his throat, seemingly disgusted that soonyoung would dare think he ranked healthy higher than quality. “no, i was just going to stop in la vie. we can get some coffee and hopefully good airport food. i haven’t been in a couple years, but i had no complaints when i went there the first two times.” he gives soonyoung a small smile, looking away from the road to do so. soonyoung flashes a smile back at him.

“that’s all fine with me,” he says, leaning back in his seat. he never even realized that he had started to sit up. all of his movements seem to be just one blur to him because all he can think about is how he’ll be seeing wonwoo for the first time in three weeks. he’s been away from wonwoo before, but usually it was just days. for being the first lengthy amount of time they’ve spent apart, soonyoung thinks that he’s coped fairly well. he even made a new friend in his absence. at the very least, he isn’t moping in the shower or drinking himself sick like he did with minghao. “wherever we end up eating though, i’m probably not going to eat much. i can’t really stand the thought of food right now.” he pointedly looks out the window, furrowing his brow. “it’s pretty fucking… high school of me to get this nervous, but i am.”

mingyu hums in response. “nothing’s changed, you know. wonwoo will still look at you the same way. i doubt anything has really changed. all he did was go away for work. if something changed, then he would have stopped calling you at three in the morning… he wouldn’t have pretended to have trouble figuring out the time zone difference. trust me, he doesn’t act like that around anyone but you. he wouldn’t dare call me just because he wanted to hear my voice.” he laughs, and when soonyoung glances at him, he thinks he catches him rolling his eyes.

“anyone but me?” soonyoung asks, trying to ignore the way his heart stutters. his voice is much too soft and mingyu catches onto it. _of course he does_ , soonyoung wants to swallow his words and get out of the car. there’s so much expectation in his voice for someone to validate their relationship. he wants someone else to notice the way that wonwoo talks to him, brushes his fingers against his skin, holds onto him, talks about him. it means so much more if other people take notice of the way that wonwoo’s eyes flicker down to his lips when he’s passionately talking about some museum exhibition, if they take notice of how wonwoo leans into his side while they are sitting together, of how casual their touches are and how without knowing each other, wonwoo could break down every single wall soonyoung possessed.

“soonyoung-yah…” the gentleness and casual nature of his tone surprises soonyoung. he looks over at him, gaze imploring. mingyu looks equally as surprised at himself as soonyoung is, but it doesn’t stop him from continuing on. “you mean a lot more to him than… well, let’s just say that you are the only person he feels _that way_ about.” it doesn’t clear anything up for soonyoung, if anything, it makes matters worse because his head feels like it is swimming. that _pull_ in his chest doesn’t just go away because he’s getting closer to wonwoo. his soul understands, it _knows_ that the two of them will be back together again yet it still tugs on him with a longing so strong that he wants to just run and scream.

he’s so full of all this love. this love that he’s just held onto for weeks. he needs to show it.

that’s all it has ever been, _love_. to hear, from mingyu, that wonwoo treats him differently from everyone else makes soonyoung feel content, but complicated. it isn’t as though his feelings are a surprise to him, because they never have been. loving someone doesn’t always have to involve some big reveal. he’s loved wonwoo all along. not from the moment that he held him in the shower, but probably just right after that, when wonwoo showed him compassion when the whole world was falling down around him and he was taking himself apart.

he licks his lips. “what way?” he asks, not expecting an answer. mingyu doesn’t give him one, instead he just gives him this torn look that says he doesn’t want to spell it out any more simply than he already has. soonyoung’s always been one to want to understand the depths of feelings he’s presented with. he wants to know what other people see in them.

“we’re nearly here,” he says in lieu of an answer. “do you know what terminal he’ll be arriving in?”

one finger is presented to mingyu, just underneath his nose. “air china, so terminal one. i double-checked online this morning because i figured there was going to be something you missed.” feeling triumphant, he crosses his arms over his chest and beams at mingyu. mingyu just rolls his eyes, driving down the winding roads until he’s at the parking garage closest to the pick-up that they’ll need.

“i have to let the other people win every once in awhile,” he says, looking around for a free parking space with soonyoung’s help. once they are parked, they get out and make sure the car is locked before making their way towards the air train so they can travel to the restaurant mingyu has in mind. “did you know that my first job in america  was here? as a barista?” mingyu says once they’ve boarded. soonyoung makes a noise that he hopes conveys interest. he’s never been in the airport before, admittedly. on wonwoo’s longer trips, he often just drops him off outside and picks him up similarly. he wouldn’t even be able to ascertain there was a subway inside of the terminals that they could eat at.

la vie ends up being one of the smallest restaurants in the whole airport. all of the customers have to squeeze in together at one long l-shaped table aligned with bar stools. mingyu and him grab the seats closest to the entrance and wait patiently for their orders to be taken, flipping through the menu casually. the restaurant is uncomfortably small, but quaint and stylish. soonyoung tries to enjoy the atmosphere and polite servers instead of focusing on why they are here.

“this is my first time being in the airport,” he confesses, breaking up their small talk with medium-sized talk: a small confession that mingyu will appreciate knowing. “i always figured it was big, but it looks so clean and… complicated. i feel like i could keep walking forever and still not be where i need to be. i also always thought that airports would be a lot busier than this. this is busy, sure, but i figured we wouldn’t be able to walk through the crowds of people.” he gets shier the more he confesses about his expectations, eventually his full attention is on his coffee cup as he speaks.

mingyu laughs lightly. “yeah, i always figured the same. airports are interesting, to say the least. i’ve seen this one at its busiest, but you are right, this isn’t so bad. we’ll probably be able to find wonwoo easily. do you have his sign?” that wins soonyoung’s attention back to him.

he grins, patting his bag. “i couldn’t forget it. it is the first time that we are meeting him this close to unboarding. do you think he’s going to be all embarrassed when we yell his name?” there’s a part of him that wants wonwoo to be flustered over such a warm welcoming, but he also thinks he knows how wonwoo will look when he sees him. even when soonyoung is trying to be embarrassing, the biggest reaction from wonwoo he usually gets is laughter. wonwoo thinks that the little things that soonyoung does for him are _endearing_ rather than embarrassing. if soonyoung has ever successfully embarrassed wonwoo, he’ll never know because he’s got such a great poker face. he also has such a beautiful smile that it disarms soonyoung and makes him forget his objectives. he lives for making him laugh.

their food is delivered then. both of them had opted for just getting sandwiches and salads so they could pick through their food and try not to think about how both of their stomachs are churning with excitement and anxiety all twined together. they lapse into a silence. both of them suddenly seem not to be hungry anymore, but then mingyu starts to eat in earnest. “it’s pretty good,” he lowers his voice. “but i was just thinking that we should have checked to make sure their flight was on time, not early or late, something like that.” _or crashed,_ soonyoung doesn’t add.

“oh yeah,” soonyoung says hollowly picking at the crust of his sandwich. he finally gives in and picks it up to take a tentative bite from it. he’s no longer a high schooler with shaky nerves whenever he has to get up in front of his parents and explain himself to them. he has to grow up sometime, to push his nerves aside so that he can be excited. mingyu checks the clock on the wall, humming as he does so. “we’ll just hope they are on time then. the weather’s good, so i don’t think there’ll be many issues.”

mingyu nods. “i agree. we’ll just eat and go check after. if they got here early, i think siyeon or wonwoo would call one of us.” he’s right, so soonyoung agrees with him and continues to flit between taking hesitant bites out of his sandwich and picking at the crust until there’s a steadily growing pile at the edge of his plate.

after a silent while, both of them finish their food and pay, leaving a hefty tip since they managed to spend nearly an hour occupying two of the seats in the cramped restaurant. the servers had been amicable though and none of them seemed upset with how long they spent there, so they both thanked those that they could before spilling out towards the airtrain to take them back towards terminal one with a cappuccino and a chai tea latte in their hands. when he had ordered them, mingyu had winked at soonyoung saying that if siyeon didn’t want the coffee or wonwoo didn’t want the tea, then the two of them would trade drinks. apparently, mingyu’s special skill in addition to being perfect is remember preferred drinks.

they head over to check the map before they venture towards the air train. each step of soonyoung’s feels like he’s lifting dead weight, then putting it back down only to pick it back up again. he almost wants to turn around and wait in the car. he’s not upset at wonwoo and he wants nothing more than to see him, but he knows that he’ll be bruised and soonyoung won’t be able to scoop him up into a hug and spin him around like he wants to do so badly. soonyoung wants nothing more than to embrace and surround wonwoo as soon as he sees him, but he knows better than that since he’s injured. he inhales shakily, then exhales, and then repeats this process until mingyu notices that he’s no longer walking alongside him and he goes back to lead soonyoung in the right direction, rubbing soothing circles onto his lower back as they walk together.

“what if he looks really bad?” soonyoung asks. it is such a pointless question because he knows that no matter how wonwoo looks, he will still be running to him. he’s still feeling so much bigger than his body whenever he thinks about him. he definitely will still want to kiss him silly and watch his smile grow until his whole face is stretched out in a way that many people might deem unattractive, but soonyoung adores. wonwoo’s laugh is beautiful and he adores to see him as happy as he could possibly be, to make his face hurt from the effort of laughing.

“it’ll be alright,” mingyu says. it should make soonyoung feel calm, but it doesn’t. they are approaching terminal one entirely too fast and he almost wants to break down and have a quick cry before they reacquaint themselves with their best friend. “looks like we are right on time.” he says, reaching into soonyoung’s satchel to get the small posterboard.

there’s a crowd of people waiting alongside them and soonyoung moves in close to mingyu to try to see. he takes the poster from mingyu’s hands once it is unfolded and sticks it up in the air. there are only two other people with signs of some sort and one of them looks professional with just a last name in typeface on it. soonyoung had decorated his with glitter and stickers and smiley faces so when wonwoo saw it, he’d know that it belonged to the blond holding it up.

they start unboarding and soonyoung gives a quick glance to mingyu who looks as excited as he feels. his heart is in his throat, threatening to choke him as he readies himself to yell for siyeon and wonwoo as soon as he sees them. in a matter of minutes he’ll have wonwoo all to himself again. he doesn’t know if time is moving at all or if it is moving too fast anymore, but what he does know is that he’s going to tell wonwoo everything that he hasn’t told him yet. he’s going to let wonwoo know exactly what he means to him and he’s never going to let him go ever again. the next time that work calls him overseas, soonyoung is going to find a way to be with him even if he has to stuff himself into his luggage.

there’s a faint appearance of long black hair. siyeon seems to wait for a second, eyes roaming over the crowd and soonyoung’s yelling as loud as he can, jumping up into the air alongside mingyu. both of them don’t even try to contain themselves, even as strangers throw them odd looks. siyeon flushes, moving a hand up to hide her face even though no one had any way to know it was her they were yelling towards. wonwoo comes right behind her. from what soonyoung can make out, he seems to be walking fine, and then there is the bruise that  siyeon had described. he isn’t prepared for it, but he pushes it to the back of his mind as he yells at the top of his lungs, waving the sign excitedly. he honestly might cry because he’s so happy.

his eyes meet soonyoung’s and it is like the sun is rising.

 

how do you turn  
a forest fire like me  
so soft i turn into  
running water  
\- rupi kaur, _milk and honey_

 **_w_ ** _ith you._

he stops yelling because the rest of the world goes so quiet that he feels compelled to follow. there’s infinity in wonwoo’s gaze, and that’s nothing new, but he largely underestimated how much he missed it, missed _him_. mingyu places a hand on his shoulder, but he can’t hear any of his words. “mingyu, i love him.” he says simply, not looking away from wonwoo’s quirked eyebrow. soon enough his lips will follow and soonyoung will want to kiss him right then and there in the terminal. mingyu makes a sputtering noise, but soonyoung still doesn’t spare him a glance.he starts to lower the sign because siyeon and wonwoo are making their way towards them. mingyu nudges his shoulder, but there’s nothing else that he has to say on the matter. it’s really that simple.

“hey,” siyeon says, tucking her dark hair behind her ear. mingyu is presenting the drink options to her. she’s weighing the tastes on her tongue while wonwoo approaches soonyoung. they don’t have this moment to themselves, but it still feels strangely private. it isn’t though, not in the slightest: there are strangers around them and their friends beside them. wonwoo doesn’t say anything, just smiles at him.

soonyoung throws his arms around wonwoo’s neck, being careful to leave space between their bodies. he doesn’t want to press into wonwoo’s injuries even if he wants to press himself against his body until there is no longer space between them. this is far from the first time that he’s wanted to be so impossibly close to wonwoo that the molecules making them up combined and since discovering what it feels like to be that close to him, soonyoung only knows how to crave it more. “hey,” wonwoo says, his own arms going around soonyoung’s midsection. he squeezes him, moving closer without considering his own wounds. “it’s so good to see you again, face-to-face.” he says into the crook of his neck. his breath skates all the way down soonyoung’s spine and it makes his toes curl in delight. finally, _finally,_ he has wonwoo back.

“i’m never letting you go by yourself again.” soonyoung says. “i’ll be there. i’ll always be there for all the next times. i’ll use my own money if i have to, just to be there with you.” he knows that if he had been there, the same events might have transpired in the same exact way, but he would have been able to be at the hospital if that was the case. he would have been able to hold his hand and make sure that he had everything he needed. he’d be able to treat him like a king. he wouldn’t have had to suffer alone.

siyeon scoffs, causing them to separate. “what am i? he wasn’t over there alone, soonyoung.” her voice is softer than her words. it is the first time that soonyoung really looks at her since she’s approached them. she’s stunning in this pink dress that has to be wildly expensive, judging by its detailed decals that shimmer in the light. it takes her an extra minute before she can meet soonyoung’s gaze. she’s never been particularly shy, but there had been a shift in their relationship during this trip. it had been both private and complicated, so finding common ground felt awkward now.

all of them exchange smiles with one another. the atmosphere doesn’t feel heavy, but it isn’t light either. soonyoung just wants to be able to go home now, but he knows that is selfish of him. he is never entitled to be selfish, but when it comes to wonwoo he believes that he has a right to be every once and awhile. the reasoning is that wonwoo says he is the center of his universe; therefore, soonyoung should be able to return the favor every now and then by praising him in the same way. he steps closer to wonwoo without thinking about it. he just wants to be close to him and feel his presence surround him, but they are around so many people and he doesn’t know how wonwoo feels about his blatant shows of affection.

when he slips his hand into soonyoung’s, he thinks he might get an answer.

“oh…!” comes a voice that soonyoung knows, but can’t place at first. “she’s over here!” kyungwon’s short blonde hair bounces as she bounds over to siyeon, pulling her into a hug and not letting go of her. minkyung, eunwoo, and nayoung are all trailing after her. siyeon looks embarrassed, but happy as she swats at a laughing kyungwon. “we missed you so much, dididi!” she pulls away from her and scrunches her nose up in a way that is supposed to be cute. soonyoung catches wonwoo smiling at the exchange and so he pokes his cheek, minding his bruise, and grins up him. it’s all teeth, a smile that soonyoung’s had to learn to love because he flashes it so often and it is his own, but wonwoo’s confided within him about how much he loves it. it is the cause for wonwoo’s already smiling face to blossom further to reveal an open mouth, the sound of laughter freely falling from it as he uses his free hand to poke soonyoung’s nose, still grasping onto his hand behind their backs.

nayoung is the one to interrupt them. “look at you, coming back in mostly one piece.” she chuckles, clapping a hand against wonwoo’s shoulder lightly. “we missed the both of you at the office. it isn’t the same without you making soonyoung lose his composure.” minkyung and eunwoo nod in unison, agreeing with nayoung.

“i’m glad to be back,” wonwoo says. “i can’t wait to be working with everyone again.”

minkyung touches a hand to his shoulder next. “hope you make a speedy recovery. we’re going to take siyeon out tonight to celebrate the fact we have her back.” siyeon claps her hands together, looking excited. eunwoo is now the one attached to her side, smushing their faces together as she cooes lovingly at her. “i’d invite you boys, but... girls only.”

this time mingyu is the one to speak, holding up a hand undamaged by the rejection of an invitation. “that’s fine. i bet siyeon and wonwoo want some time away from each other.” with his other hand, he passes wonwoo his coffee which causes him to let go of soonyoung’s hand. nayoung catches the movement, raising an eyebrow, but not commenting on it. instead, she just reaches past the other girls and places a hand on siyeon’s shoulder.

“yeah, i agree, so we better be off before we are late. this will be siyeon and eunwoo’s first time having a reservation at a fancy restaurant.” nayoung wiggles her eyebrows and while seokmin might think she’s strict, soonyoung feels like that’s just a professional front that she wears while working. the woman in front of him now is playful and thoughtful. “see you, boys.” she waves, ruffling soonyoung’s hair on her way past. “be sure to get back to work on wednesday, the both of you,” are her departing words. she lifts a hand in the air in a type of relaxed wave before she disappears into a crowd of people, her friends walking ahead of her.

then there are the three of them left. “you want me to take you guys home? i have to be somewhere later so i’ll swing by tomorrow to hang out for a bit, if that works.” mingyu says, pulling his keys out of his pocket. then he leans down to pick something off the floor. soonyoung realizes that it is his poster board. he must have unknowingly discarded when he went to greet wonwoo. he would have ended up leaving it there too if it hadn’t been for mingyu noticing it. he folds it up and hands it to soonyoung so that he can stash it back into his bag, then all of them are off, happy at the promise of being at home sooner rather than later.

none of them really attempt to hold any conversations until they are in the parking garage. the airport is too busy with people scrambling to board the next flight for them to amicably talk, so they all just wait until they are in a quieter area. as soon as they are, wonwoo asks what both of them figured was on his mind since it had been mentioned. “plans…?” he chirps. “i just got back and you already have plans? is this about you-know-who…?” he trails off, not mentioning any names which shouldn’t bother soonyoung since wonwoo and mingyu have been friends for longer and they are technically roommates, but he hates that wonwoo knows more about this than soonyoung does even though he had been away. if he was unharmed then soonyoung would be kicking at him right now. instead, he just listens, gaze curious. wonwoo pouts when mingyu doesn’t even turn towards him. “if it isn’t him, then i’m going to be really hurt.”

mingyu gives him a pleading look that soonyoung can’t decipher, but he thinks it has something to do with the fact that wonwoo has just unveiled that he has more information on this topic than soonyoung does. “it… is him, yeah.” he bites his lip, looking towards the ground as they continue heading towards his car. “i never updated you after you left though. we are… maybe… together a little?” his ears are bright red and he’s overly pronouncing his words even though he’s not sure what he’s trying to convey to wonwoo right now. he’s seemingly still collecting his thoughts. “he said that he likes me too, at least. we are figuring out a bunch of things… together.” only when wonwoo chuckles does mingyu look up. wonwoo pinches his cheek, pulling on it lightly. it causes mingyu to stop in his tracks and soonyoung drags his feet as he waits for them, not stopping.

“my little mingyu is all grown up…!” he makes a kissing noise, puckering his mouth, trying to move in to kiss his cheeks, but mingyu is taking off towards his car faster now. it doesn’t matter if he remembers where it is or not because his only objective is escaping wonwoo now. he passes soonyoung easily and wonwoo continues at his leisurely pace, so soonyoung waits up for him. it only takes him a couple steps before he’s taking soonyoung’s hand back into his. “how’s my spoiled brat doing?” he asks teasingly, playing with his fingers instead of watching where he’s going. soonyoung has to steer him away from a trash can. his glasses slide down on his nose as he walks and soonyoung stops to fix them.

then he moves in to do more than just fix his glasses. his question goes unanswered, or maybe wonwoo can shape an answer out of this. maybe he catches it off the tip of his tongue.

his eyes go dark with something indescribable as soonyoung presses him against one of the concrete pillars that is supporting the structure of the parking garage and now supports wonwoo too. soonyoung wishes that it could be simple, but from the moment their lips touch, it is nothing but complicated. he forgets how to breathe and his hands _know_ that his body is injured and tired, but he can’t handle this distance any longer. now that he has him back he’s going to show him everything that he has yet to show him. their lips brush and wonwoo makes this noise that has soonyoung’s knees locking. he wants to rush this because it is long overdue, but he also wants to take it slower than he’s ever taken anything. his eyes slip closed as he closes the rest of the distance. all that is left are lips and the tingling in soonyoung’s fingertips. he can hardly focus on his breathing because he’s hyperfocused on the way that wonwoo chases the fleeting kiss and pulls him back in.

it doesn’t matter to either of them if mingyu doesn’t come back to retrieve them because he knows what they are doing or because he’s already in the car. all that matters is the gentleness of wonwoo’s hands; they are unsure of where to land, so they caress the sides of his body and rest on his hips uncertainly. soonyoung’s hands are confused as well, but only because the body he’s touching is bruised and he doesn’t want to contribute to that pain. his arms settle around wonwoo’s neck, wrists crossing so that he can pull him in closer as though that’s possible.

this kiss burns so badly because it is so overdue, even though it is not their first.

then all of sudden, soonyoung is laughing into wonwoo’s open mouth and wonwoo follows after him. their laughter mingles in the air between them as soonyoung pushes his fingers through wonwoo’s hair. “welcome home, wonwoo.” he manages midst the laughter and it only has wonwoo laughing harder with a happiness so bright that soonyoung feels like he could illuminate the world with it. he leans into him, clutching at his good side with one hand. soonyoung feels breathless and free as he leans in to press a kiss to his temple and he retaliates by grabbing ahold of soonyoung’s face and rubbing their noses together.

a _honk_ separates them. “shit,” soonyoung places a hand over his heart, turning around to see mingyu’s car. both of them are still laughing, unable to stop themselves. wonwoo takes his hand as he passes him so that he can lead him to the car. both of them climb into the backseat through the same door. it takes them awhile before all their limbs are pulled into the car because they keep laughing. it feels so silly, but mingyu finds himself succumbing to the laughter alongside them too before he continues driving through the garage. soonyoung squeals, reaching for the door handle so he can slam it closed before they are out of the parking garage. “let’s go home..!” he cheers, standing up as much as he can while being confined by the car. mingyu calms, chuckling lightly and shaking his head while wonwoo pulls on the back of his shirt, reminding him to buckle up.

soonyoung can tell he’s worried, but there’s a smile on his face still. quickly, he buckles himself into the car and leans back to look up at wonwoo, fluttering his eyelashes in a way that’s supposed to be cute. “i’ll cut them off if you make that a new habit,” wonwoo looks away from him because that fondness that soonyoung had noticed when they were oceans apart is creeping back into his expression. soonyoung straightens up, slinging an arm across wonwoo’s shoulders in a way that he hopes is comforting. he knows that this is probably the first time that wonwoo’s been in a car since his accident, unless he ended up taking a taxi to the airport. he doesn’t want wonwoo to think the worst of every car ride just because of one bad accident. soonyoung trusts mingyu wholeheartedly. he’s reliable in all the ways a person should be. he knows that wonwoo trusts him too.

“so, tomorrow afternoon does work, right?” mingyu asks, tilting his head to listen for the answer over the radio instead of just turning it down. wonwoo and soonyoung exchange a glance that seems to communicate their answer without words.

wonwoo is the one to answer him vocally. “yeah, tomorrow afternoon should be fine. do you want to bring you-know-who by? maybe it’ll help you guys decide how to go about things. if he says no, then don’t worry about it, but i know for a fact that i’ll be on my best behavior. i can’t promise that from soonyoung though.” he chances a glance towards soonyoung and he’s wiggling his eyebrows comically. the laugh that falls from wonwoo is unexpected from both of them and they dissolve right back into laughter again. mingyu joins in, even though he doesn’t fully understand why they are laughing.

“i’ll be good…!” soonyoung chirps finally, battling through his laughter. “i want to meet him as mingyu’s boyfriend instead of as the mystery man i work with and have probably talked to on several occasions. by the way,” he is saying as mingyu stops at a red light. he turns to look at soonyoung, raising an eyebrow in question, urging him to go on. “why the fuck does wonwoo get to know who it is and all i get to know is that you two have been spending every afternoon together since you decided to talk to him about your feelings?” it is meant to be playful, but he schools his expression. “i thought we shared moments.”

the light turns green, so mingyu returns his attention to the road, laughing. “we did share moments, soonyoung. wonwoo knew because he knew who i had a crush on. i wasn’t planning on approaching him in the slightest when i had confided in wonwoo about liking him.” it makes sense, but soonyoung isn’t seriously upset at mingyu, so it doesn’t matter why he hasn’t told him. soonyoung doesn’t think that mingyu owes him anything. he’s actually just upset that out of all the people in the world to know more than him on this subject (other than mingyu, of course) is _wonwoo_ . “anyway, i’ll talk to him, but i’m not going to make any promises. i don’t even know how _i_ feel about being in that type of situation with the two of you.”

“yeah, he’ll be super upset when he realizes that we’re much cuter than you two are.” soonyoung winks at wonwoo, squeezing his shoulders with his arm. wonwoo snorts in response, rolling his eyes as his gaze returns to the window.

mingyu also snorts. “that’s the least of my worries.” he’s concentrating on parking, tongue poking out of his lips.

he’s struggling to parallel park between soonyoung’s neighbors’ cars, so wonwoo makes an offer. “we can just get out right here. there’s no traffic right now.” soonyoung nods, unbuckling his seatbelt and sliding across the empty seat to the door so they can let themselves out of the car. wonwoo unbuckles and follows after soonyoung. “thanks for the ride, mingyu. it is nice to see you again,” he reaches back into the car to get his suitcase, then he grabs onto mingyu’s hand.

peering over wonwoo’s shoulder, soonyoung waves all of his fingers towards mingyu. “see you tomorrow!”

“hope you have fun tonight!” wonwoo says, and then soonyoung tries to chime in too which makes saying their goodbyes to mingyu even longer than necessary. they continue to wish him variations of _be safe! be sure to ask him!_ and _can’t wait to hang out tomorrow!_ until a car makes an appearance down their road and mingyu is forced to stop occupying both the road and the only open parking space in sight.

they wave in his direction until he turns onto the next road, then they are left alone with one another. it hasn’t been all that long since they have only been in the company of each other, but it is the first time in three weeks that they have been alone together in person. “do you want to unlock the door?” soonyoung says, passing him the keys. wonwoo takes them from him and both of them make their ascent towards their front door.

readying the keys in one hand, wonwoo grasps the doorknob firmly to open it with some exaggerated movement probably, but he meets no resistance and turns it all the way. “no way…” he looks over at soonyoung, eyes wide. “you left our door unlocked.” soonyoung steps forward to try it, but wonwoo throws it open, proving that he’s not just joking with him. soonyoung bites down on his lip, trying to look apologetic, but he’s done this so many times by now that it should just be expected from him. without another word, wonwoo steps into the familiar apartment and takes in how everything is nearly exactly the way it was when he left, especially the dishes in the sink. soonyoung hated doing dishes as much as wonwoo did. they were lucky when they held parties and someone would come over to help set up because they could rope them into doing their dishes as they cleaned the apartment. neither of them are against cleaning, just doing dishes.

soonyoung locks the door behind them, looking around to make sure that everything is untouched. when he’s ascertained that there is no damage to anything, he places his wallet into the bowl and waits for wonwoo to have the keys join it. there’s so much space here now, even though he felt the space between them more vividly when they were apart, there is still emptiness that neither of them could fill. it resides in how silent the apartment is. soonyoung doesn’t even know how he’s lived in such a silence without wonwoo there to fill some of it up.

“are those sungyeon’s photographs?” he points to the dining room table. soonyoung nods. “can i take a look?”

soonyoung nods again, going into the kitchen to pull out a popsicle. he gets a red one for himself and a blue one for wonwoo. without looking up from the nature image he’s currently examining, wonwoo takes the proffered popsicle from soonyoung. “she’s getting so good,” soonyoung says, taking the seat beside wonwoo. “these are the ones i’m thinking about throwing out. eunwoo was hesitant about a couple of them, and i think i understand why. sungyeon’s tried to be very experimental with her angles. i appreciate it, but i don’t think they are the right look for our issues, or the articles either.”

wonwoo just nods, opening his popsicle and placing it in his mouth. both of them will be staining their mouths with their popsicles, but neither of them mind. soonyoung doesn’t put his in his mouth quite yet, instead he tugs on the collar of wonwoo’s shirt until their foreheads are just touching. he puckers his lip in a way that _no one_ should ever think of as cute, but wonwoo thinks that it is endearing. he puckers his own, then leans in, touching their lips together lightly.

 _his lips are so cold!_ soonyoung’s brain jolts at the sensation, but he doesn’t move back. it is probably odd that he likes the feeling so much, but he can’t find himself caring. the cold comes as a surprise to his warm lips, his hot, open mouth. with just one bite, wonwoo’s whole mouth has dropped several degrees, holding onto the cold of the summer treat.his tongue traces the coldness like he’s trying to replace the heat once found there and it tastes sickly sweet. soonyoung’s never been fond of the blue popsicles, always opting for the red ones whenever he was a child even though all his friends would claim that they taste the same, but wonwoo turns that opinion on its head. the taste isn’t much different than he remembers it, but he’s never had it in this context before. he doesn’t think he’d mind any flavor if he could have it in this context.

it takes too long for his brain to catch up with his actions, but just as he’s captured wonwoo’s bottom lip between his teeth, he realizes how quickly the kiss is progressing and how _wrecked_ wonwoo looks. both of their popsicles are threatening to start melting from inattention, but neither of them even notice. wonwoo’s eyes don’t leave soonyoung. their chests are heaving and wonwoo’s eyes are blown so wide that he’s glad he can’t look away. he wouldn’t want to miss staring into infinity like this.

he starts to  feel like wonwoo’s scrutinizing him. “it’s cold on the moon, isn’t it?” soonyoung’s voice is hoarse when he talks.

wonwoo looks stricken when soonyoung talks, like he wants to lean back into soonyoung’s familiar touch, but also like he can hardly make sense of this situation. _this_ is all new to them. they’ve walked so close to this territory, but drunken and heat-of-the-moment, fleeting kisses were so much different than what they are sharing now. this is so private and the emotion drips from soonyoung like he’s a rain cloud. “yeah,” he licks his lips. he has to clear his throat before he can say anymore. “i don’t know the exact temperature, but… yeah. it’s cold, at night at least. i think it gets really hot whenever it is daytime though. there’s something about the lack of atmosphere… the moon can’t hold heat at night… or something?” he sounds like the files in his brain are all out of order and he’s sure about the validity of what he’s saying, but he can’t find the words he needs in order to convey his answer.

“it is still daytime, right?” soonyoung asks, not bothering to look across the living room and out the window. there’s a mischievous look of his face that wonwoo has missed, but in that absence, he’s left without knowing how to handle it now. there is so much that is different now, but so much that is still the same. finally, wonwoo affirms his statement with a nod because it isn’t even past five yet, unless time has started to fly by them. “since i’m your sun, i’ll have to warm you then.”

he’s crawling into wonwoo’s lap now, slinging a leg over his chair before he’s settled atop him. both of them are still clutching their popsicles like they are their lifelines. “don’t get any of that on my floor,” soonyoung warns, then he’s leading wonwoo’s hand back to his mouth, watching with expectant eyes as wonwoo catches onto whichever one of games that soonyoung is playing with him now. he doesn’t look away from soonyoung as he puts the popsicle into his mouth. there’s an intent look on soonyoung’s face while he watches him, but then he dips his head all of a sudden, lips at wonwoo’s ear. his breath ghosts across wonwoo’s exposed neck and he tries to bare more of it, trying to urge soonyoung on without words.

he catches onto soonyoung’s smile in the rise of his cheeks right before the gasp falls from his own mouth.

“cold, that’s cold,” wonwoo shivers automatically, a normal response to the sensation. it’s not soonyoung’s mouth against his skin, but his popsicle instead. he almost swats at it because it is threatening to burn from being held against him for too long, but before he can, soonyoung’s mouth is covering it, tongue lapping at the sweet flavor that has been left there. warmth replaces the cold that was left behind. wonwoo can’t stop the whine that falls from his lips, but he tries to by clenching his teeth. he forgets that he’s still got his popsicle in his hand and almost ends up dropping it onto the floor. he stumbles forward to grab it, fingers not delicate enough. because it has already started to melt, it breaks up in his hand, electric blue staining his fingers and palm.

soonyoung laughs, leaning back to assess the damage before climbing off of wonwoo and leading him into the kitchen.

“did i get any on the floor?” wonwoo asks, letting soonyoung manually unwrap his fingers from the broken pieces of popsicle freezing his hand. he sounds so genuinely worried about staining the floor that it makes soonyoung want to kiss him again. it’s so ridiculous because every little thing that wonwoo does seems to make him want to kiss him again and again until they just fall into each other and get lost. soonyoung shrugs, turning on the faucet to wash wonwoo’s hand off, dropping his own popsicle next to his so that the red and blue bleed together as the water melts them.

“doesn’t matter. i can hire a cleaner if you did,” he says, shrugging. “i can figure it all out now that i have you back.”

soonyoung releases his hand, stepping away from him. it is so warm in the room that both of them feel like they might be suffocating. everything that had been so simple no longer seems to be that way. soonyoung doubts that wonwoo expected things to change this drastically when he came back, but soonyoung himself had not expected this volcanic shift. nothing about their relationship felt the same, but also, none of it felt different. “alright,” wonwoo says, finally, but the moment’s passed. “i’m going to take a shower.” he adds, blinking slowly at soonyoung who nods in response.

nothing’s changed. something’s changed. everything’s changed.

.

.

it’s strange to wake up next to wonwoo again, especially when, if he wants to hold him, he has to hold him like he’s something fragile. there have only been rare times when wonwoo has shown weakness, but usually it was because of dark thoughts or anxieties about his future. soonyoung could hold him through those moments, but with those stitches in his side, soonyoung’s scared that he’s going to hurt him in the middle of the night without even realizing it. when he wakes up and remembers that wonwoo is once again beside him, donning his plush, matching pajamas that they had purchased for each other one christmas, he checks the blankets and sheets for signs of blood staining them. then he searches wonwoo’s face for signs of discomfort, but only finds the peaceful look of slumber resting there.

it makes his heart stutter. to wake up to someone so beautiful is better than viewing the sunrise.

as quietly as he can manage, he makes his way out of the bed, then heads towards his closet to grab a shirt to slip into. he’ll have to take a shower before mingyu comes over, so for now anything will do. after he’s dressed, he’s off to the kitchen, only stopping at the door to make sure that wonwoo is still sleeping. he’s so glad to have him back that words won’t ever be enough to express this happiness. they’ll have to invent new words in order to even try to understand it and it will all be for this love.

he doesn’t often make a habit of fixing meals for wonwoo, or even himself, but since this is wonwoo’s first morning back, he can make an exception just this once. wonwoo deserves more than just the familiarity of returning back to new york, to soonyoung’s apartment, and maybe that’s why soonyoung has changed the composition of their relationship without warning. he doesn’t know how wonwoo feels about it, but he hopes that he’s been waiting for this just as long as soonyoung has been. he’ll never know until he talks to him about it, but fear sits heavily on his chest, warning to crush the bones that protect his heart. he never could imagine that loving wonwoo would be painful, but it is. that’s what makes it so important, if it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t be this painful. this love means the world to him. he hasn’t loved anyone like this in a long time.

he wonders how long it has been for wonwoo.

breakfast doesn’t take long to make, so he starts by brewing coffee. there’s no telling if wonwoo will be awake by the time that he’s finished, but he knows that if he isn’t then waking him won’t be that hard. wonwoo doesn’t sleep very heavily. when they used to go out to the bars and crash at seungcheol’s house, wonwoo would often be one of the first ones to wake, especially if others were waking up alongside him. he also seemed to wait to fall asleep until others were already, unless he was just exhausted. it is rare for wonwoo to fall asleep before soonyoung. when they had first been introduced, soonyoung would have easily believed that. wonwoo always had seemed like someone who preferred the nighttime. who knew that he’d grow to love the daytime even more.

he hasn’t even finished the precarious omelets that he set himself on making when wonwoo enters the kitchen, yawning. his arms stretch up towards the ceiling, but then there’s a brief flash of pain crossing his face and he drops his arms as though he’s just reminded himself that he’s injured. “smells good,” he mumbles, coming over to rest his chin on soonyoung’s shoulder. he has to hunch over in order to achieve this because he’s taller than soonyoung, not by a lot, but by a large enough margin that he can’t stand comfortably behind him. he has to contort himself in small increments so that they are matching. “is it safe to eat?” he asks teasingly, peering over soonyoung’s shoulder curiously.

his glasses aren’t perched on his nose yet so soonyoung doesn’t get upset with him distrusting his delicate cuisine. he still hits his shoulder playfully though, not putting any strength behind his actions. wonwoo puts on an act regardless, clutching his shoulder like soonyoung is a professional boxer. “get your glasses on, old man.” he says, “your vision’s going for good this time.” instead of listening to him, wonwoo nuzzles in closer, rubbing his nose against the crook of soonyoung’s neck. it’s sickeningly domestic, but soonyoung thinks that he really loves it. “if you keep distracting me, i’m going to burn our food.” soonyoung wants to laugh, but he finds it hard to when he realizes that wonwoo’s nose has been replaced by his lips. he sucks in a breath that he tries to hold as he pokes at the omelet with his spatula before folding it over.

“i won’t mind,” wonwoo says against his skin, leaving a scattering of kisses against whatever is exposed to him. “it’ll be my pleasure just to make you fail at such a simple task like cooking.” it is meant to be playful, but both of them are so competitive when it comes to each other. soonyoung hates to think about burning the food and letting wonwoo have his way, but there’s so many pros to letting wonwoo win this time around. he swallows hard, biting down on his lip as wonwoo sucks lightly against the nape of his neck. he has to release the spatula, opting to grip at the counter until his knuckles are white. he really wants to do a little more than kiss wonwoo. “you aren’t paying attention,” he says, voice so deep that soonyoung could drown in it, at his ear.

quickly, he snatches his spatula up. _it’s like yesterday…_ soonyoung’s mind flits back to the popsicle and the tension in the air. “i’m just trying to do something nice for you.” soonyoung says, tempted to swat at him with the spatula, but when he moves to do so, wonwoo sinks his teeth into his skin. the spatula falls onto the floor, and soonyoung almost throws away whatever care he has concerning breakfast. he turns around and wonwoo steps back, hands raised in innocence.

he’s anything but.

“i was just trying to do something nice for you,” wonwoo smiles at him. it is supposed to be sweet, but soonyoung knows him so much better than that. he can see through it to the mischief. it is enough to snap soonyoung back to a proper state of mind. he sticks his tongue out at wonwoo, then leans down to collect his spatula.

once it is back in his hands, he crosses over to the sink to wash it off. “if you want to do something nice for me, then make my omelet.” he says, turning the water off. “otherwise i’m going to eat yours since you clearly don’t want it.”

wonwoo scrunches his nose up, clearly upset at the threat of not having breakfast. he resettles into their kitchen automatically, like he wasn’t even away from it more than a couple days. “i don’t know how you haven’t burnt that thing yet.” he says eyeing the omelet that soonyoung is making. it has browned, but that’s closer to how wonwoo likes it so he isn’t upset about it.

“i turned the heat to low when you started bothering me,” soonyoung looks up at him and grins. “who’s the loser now?”

breakfast passes by peacefully after that. a lot of things pick up exactly from where they left off. books that wonwoo had left unread are placed back in their proper place or thumbed through. soonyoung gathers all the photographs that are sungyeon’s and continues examining them. he’ll have to be scan them later tonight after mingyu has left so that he can edit some of them digitally before passing them onto eunwoo with their assigned pages. he works a little more personally with the photographs than some other photo editors, but it all depended on how a person worked best. soonyoung works best when he can touch the images and see them up close. digitally, the images are just as important, but there’s something about seeing the picture in print first that allows him to see the depth of the beauty of them, or the errors and amateur mistakes. sungyeon and wonwoo are far from amateurs though, so his job is a little easier to complete in a timely manner.

after he’s done positioning the photographs in his mock up spread of both issues of the magazines, he looks through the damage on wonwoo’s camera. there’s no way to get a cord connected to it because of how the metal is smashed. he doesn’t even think that there are any pieces intact within it. he hates holding it in his hands, he decides. it makes wonwoo’s brow furrow and it reminds him of what could have happened to wonwoo if something had happened a little bit differently. when he decides that it is probably futile to try to get the images off of it, he just tosses the camera into the garbage, not wanting to look at it any longer.

sungyeon sends the images that wonwoo sent her while on his trip and siyeon thankfully has a couple of her own to offer him too, even though she _is_ a photography amateur. if it has to come to it, then soonyoung will be able to manipulate her photographs in a way that will improve them enough to include in the spread. between the two of them, soonyoung is left with about twelve photographs. it isn’t nearly enough for him to sift through because he has to fall in love with all of them. even if it is wonwoo’s photography, it is still the magazine that matters most to soonyoung because it has to be. he starts by throwing out the blurry images which leaves eight photographs left to distribute between ten pages. it is far from an impossible task, but it forces soonyoung to approve of the remaining photographs, even if he doesn’t particular like them. wonwoo takes his phone into his bedroom to call seungcheol because he can’t bear to watch soonyoung pore over such a limited stock. it isn’t wonwoo’s fault that this happened, but soonyoung can tell that he still blames himself.

they work until mingyu arrives at five.

“hey! it’s probably mingyu!” soonyoung calls to wonwoo, collecting all of his work from the dining room table. it is as done as it will be, so he makes sure it is all organized as he carries it into his room. wonwoo meets him at the doorway as he enters. without even thinking, soonyoung leans in to press a kiss to his cheek and wonwoo smiles warmly down at him. “i hope they brought some takeout.” he confesses, trying to ignore the fluttering in his stomach. wonwoo’s hair is mussed from laying in bed, but he doesn’t make a motion to fix it since his arms are full and someone needs to answer the door, but he really wants to sink his fingers into his dark locks.

wonwoo doesn’t need to be told what to do. he leaves to greet whoever is at the door. soonyoung tries to rid himself of all his work as fast as he can, dumping it onto their bed and rushing back out to join wonwoo. there’s one question on the tip of his tongue because he doesn’t want to be left in the dark any longer on this subject. knowing who the object of mingyu’s affections is is not important, but it also is incredibly important. there are some people at the office that while soonyoung trusts them, he doesn’t know how much he trusts them with mingyu. mingyu can be so fragile. he’s not too young, but he’s still part of the younger crowd, even if he’s among the oldest of them. soonyoung feels obligated to watch out for him.  

he tries not to let the surprise show on his face when he enters the living room.

there is a very short list of people that wouldn’t surprise him and one of them happens to be minghao who is currently residing in china and has broken ties with everyone that he had once been close to, so it would be highly unlikely for it to be him. it isn’t the impossible standing at his door, but he is surprised nonetheless. wonwoo gives him a warning look and he schools his expression as cooly as he can. “hey,” he greets, crossing over to take the takeout bags from their hands without hesitation. “i’m starved so you guys just saved my life.”

mingyu laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his head with his newly freed hand. he looks like he has no idea what he’s really doing here. “we figured. it was josh’s idea, really. i was going to cook something at my place and just bring it over, but we were running a little later than planned.” soonyoung can feel the tension in the room. everyone feels awkward except for wonwoo. wonwoo’s great at deflecting certain types of weirdness and apparently this situation was one he could handle. soonyoung envied him for that.

“that’s fine,” soonyoung waves dismissively, trying to push some of the awkwardness out of the room. he knows that he can’t do that with force alone, but he wishes that he could. when he had originally thought about meeting the person that mingyu’s been meeting up with, he thought they would be able to interact freely with one another, but joshua is one of the only people in the office that soonyoung doesn’t speak regularly with. jeonghan would have been easier to talk to because they often exchanged small talk in the elevator or during their lunch breaks. soonyoung couldn’t tell anyone anything about joshua. to soonyoung, he is more or less of an enigma. he hears about how people think of him, but he hasn’t ever had the time to figure him out himself. “come on in, take your shoes off and we can dig in.” he tries to be inviting and sound supportive, he doesn’t know if he succeeds.

wonwoo starts to lead everyone into the living room. there’s no dining room, only a table that occupies the small area across from the kitchen. there’s only room for two people there, maybe three, but definitely not mingyu and his broad shoulders. they’ll have to be eating in the living room just so they are comfortable. soonyoung hopes that they don’t mind more than they already mind being here. “be careful not to get any food on soonyoung’s carpet, his head will explode if you do.” wonwoo introduces them to the room that was only steps away from the front door. “what would you guys like to drink?”

all of them end up getting water served to them by wonwoo. he extravagantly hands them out as though he’s a fancy butler. after that exchange though, they just sit there in an awkward silence that wonwoo and soonyoung keep cutting through easily. no conversations hold between any of them though. joshua and mingyu join in whenever they want to, but then they abruptly stop as though they realize where they are. mingyu looks apologetic when they leave, offering to do dishes, but wonwoo shoves them away this time and hugs mingyu before they leave. soonyoung does too, enjoying the warmth and comfort of his embrace before soonyoung and wonwoo are left alone again. the tension doesn’t stick around for long which they both are thankful for.

they don’t talk about it, but soonyoung wants to. there had been so much in the air between the four of them, but soonyoung hadn’t had a chance to work through any of it. it just left him with these weird, complicated feelings in his lap. he wants to ask wonwoo how mingyu could fall for someone like joshua and to ask him if they really made each other happy when they acted like that together, but he couldn’t find any of those words in order to ask them. he knows how he was with his first boyfriend and it hadn’t been that awkward, but he supposes that around others, he had shut down just like that until their relationship had passed a certain, invisible point that soonyoung hadn’t realized existed until it had passed them by. wonwoo doesn’t look like he’s bothered by it in the slightest, but he had known all along that it was joshua. if it had ended up being someone else, then he might have been reeling like this, soonyoung thinks. he doesn’t know for sure, but something tells him that he’d be wondering about the awkwardness too if he had not been fully prepared for it. joshua always seemed to be naturally quieter to soonyoung, even if he had a mischievous side that jeonghan brought out.

it is weird, but they don’t talk about it. soonyoung is left to wonder about it alone as he finishes his work.

eventually, he forgets about why he’s so caught up in wondering about the mechanics of it. they get ready for bed and both of them talk, but about work. both of them plan to return tomorrow which means that soonyoung will have to see joshua, but he thinks that everything will be fine. if he doesn’t make it awkward, then it won’t be. it doesn’t have to be. wonwoo warns him not to try to apologize to them tomorrow, especially joshua, because he already isn’t wholly comfortable with their relationship, so neither of them want to add unnecessary stress. they agree on being supportive, then soonyoung kisses the corner of wonwoo’s mouth.

that night, it starts raining again. the rhythm lulling them to sleep. soonyoung still doesn’t know how to hold him.

.

.

both of them end up going to work together the next morning. they walk in the rain instead of calling mingyu because it isn’t coming down too hard yet. soonyoung bets that by the end of the day, it’ll be coming down in earnest. he just hopes that they are able to make it home before it picks up. although he wouldn’t be too upset if it did pick up because wonwoo’s whole face is brighter now that it is raining again. it is as though he remembered just how comforting its presence is. they don’t take an umbrella, but they do don jackets because seungcheol hates when they show up to work dripping with the rain. it isn’t their fault that it feels as though it is a part of them.

“do you think it’ll keep raining?” wonwoo sounds hopeful. soonyoung hasn’t checked the forecast since wonwoo arrived back in america. he moves just a little closer to soonyoung as they walk. he wonders if wonwoo is cold, because he knows that he catches cold easy. he doesn’t want him to succumb to another type of sickness while he is already so weak from the car accident, but he also doesn’t want him to be unable to enjoy himself. it’d be easy for him to wrap an arm around wonwoo to trap just some of the summer heat between them, but it is fleeting and he doesn’t know if wonwoo would be okay with walking like that with him. he’s hard to read.

soonyoung catches himself before he can shrug, killing that beautiful light in wonwoo’s eyes. “i hope so,” he says instead. “when it wasn’t the day you came in, i was super bummed. i know that you missed this type of weather while you were gone.” wonwoo looks like he wants to hold onto soonyoung’s arm or his hand maybe. he’s just so close and it almost is overwhelming. soonyoung is watching him too closely, trying to predict his next move, but it is nearly impossible when they are walking on such a different ground now.

“i did miss it,” wonwoo is still smiling which makes soonyoung smile. if everything could just be this simple, soonyoung would revel in his life. “i missed a lot of things that america had, so i’m more than happy to be back, even if visiting seoul was nice. i hadn’t been there for years, so it almost felt like a new world.” soonyoung chuckles, placing a hand on the small of wonwoo’s back. it causes him to jump forward awkwardly, shocked at the touch. soonyoung doesn’t usually share touches with wonwoo in public places because he knows that wonwoo can feel awkward about the way that people look at him. he doesn’t mind soonyoung at all, but he doesn’t want to ever have to experience the frigidity of strange gazes. soonyoung understands, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hate it. he wishes that they could touch casually without wonwoo having to glance around them to make sure that no one’s looking, but he knows that it is just casual paranoia born from the influence of an overbearing family. it has nothing to do with him. he just has to trick the public into thinking he’s perfect. that’s why whenever they share secret touches he always lets wonwoo initiate those moments.

it brings soonyoung back to wondering what is so imperfect about this type of love.

“i’m glad you got to go and that you came back safe.” his hand doesn’t move and wonwoo relaxes back into the touch. it doesn’t bother soonyoung that he’s looking out for himself, but he wants to be able to have wonwoo in every way. even in the public sphere, soonyoung wants to be able to tell him that he loves him endlessly. he wants to be able to show him the extent of what they have. “i missed having you around like this.”

wonwoo nearly beams at soonyoung. usually, wonwoo is schooling his expressions so that he comes off cooly. but that isn’t usually how he acts around soonyoung and he doesn’t know if wonwoo has ever acted coolly around him. ever since they met, they had been sharing secrets with one another without hesitation. soonyoung can’t wrap his head around it, especially because he knows how wonwoo is. he doesn’t just find equilibrium with strangers, but it is like soonyoung was never a stranger to him.

“hey,” soonyoung bumps his hip against wonwoo’s considerably bonier one. his voice is soft, just how it had been when they spoke over the phone in those rare moments where everything threatened to shift completely. wonwoo seems to read into it immediately and soonyoung can feel him pulling away to create some distance. both of their expressions change and soonyoung really doesn’t want to be outside underneath the rain any longer. it feels so heavy. wonwoo’s reluctance doesn’t stop him though. “i want… i want us to be able to be together.” it’s such a lame start. wonwoo looks stricken as soon as the words are out in the air. soonyoung almost expects him to get sick. “now might not be the right moment to have this conversation… but i don’t know when the right time will ever come.” it’s so painful. this love is so painful, and soonyoung wishes it could be simple.

the silence stretches between them. soonyoung thinks that he’s going to respond to him, that this conversation is going to be possible now, but then wonwoo starts to walk faster, intentionally avoiding soonyoung’s pace so that they are no longer walking together. their workplace is within sight now. “after work.” he says curtly, and the conversation is over before it even had a chance to start.

when they get to their building, wonwoo holds the elevator for soonyoung, but he opts for the stairs, not even looking his way as he diverts from his usual path. he knows that he’s being childish and he should just respect wonwoo’s decision to talk about it later, but it fills him with a sort of dread. he doesn’t know what to expect or what he will end up having to say on the subject. he wishes that wonwoo had just agreed to talk to him while they were walking, but maybe he didn’t think that he had ample time to say everything that he wanted to and properly convey all of his feelings. either way, soonyoung has gone into pouting mode and the last thing he wants is to be stuck in a creaky elevator with wonwoo. with his luck, it would finally die while they were in it and he’d have to sit across from wonwoo, who would pretend like absolutely nothing was wrong.

in his hasty jog up the stairs, he catches up with joshua. “hey,” he says which is almost more than he had said during dinner at soonyoung’s place. he’s not feeling particularly social and he’s nervous that he’s going to end up taking his anxiety and anger out on joshua, but there’s a nagging at the back of his mind that says that it is important that joshua is speaking to him without soonyoung prompting the exchange. it means that there’s some kind of trust established between the two of them now. plus, if he’s talking with joshua, then wonwoo won’t be able to interrupt him at his cubicle to try to pretend like he hasn’t just upset soonyoung.

“hey,” soonyoung slows down to match joshua’s pace. “stairs today?”

joshua smiles at him, appreciating his attempt at light humor this early in the morning. “i guess so. mingyu didn’t take me in today and neither could jeonghan, so i was running a little bit later than usual. the stairs are always faster than that elevator.” he pulls his arms closer into his body as though that’s possible. soonyoung has noticed that joshua doesn’t like to take up space. he tries to hold his appendages close to his body, not letting them move freely. he’s so different from soonyoung or mingyu. wonwoo even tended to gesticulate when speaking sometimes, but he supposes that he doesn’t know joshua well enough to know how joshua gets when he is excited or passionate. it takes months to figure a person out and years to remember all of their mechanics. he’s known wonwoo for almost four years now. four years is enough time for wonwoo to be ready for this conversation, even if they haven’t been ready for the entirety of those four years.

he knows he’s loved him for at least more than half of those years. maybe wonwoo hadn’t reciprocated his feelings so readily. it doesn’t take a lifetime to decide that a person wants to spend the rest of a lifetime with someone, but wonwoo might need that long to decide. he’s so ready to return the affections that soonyoung piles upon him, but he’s unprepared to talk about the meaning behind them. it makes his blood boil. he really doesn’t want to let this get to him like it is, but he can’t help it. his whole body is reacting to the overwhelming combinations of emotions that he’s experiencing now.

he’s just really tired of hiding. it’s been his life. when he was young, he had to hide the truth about who he loved from his parents and his whole life had turned into a game of hiding away parts of himself from others so that he didn’t have to face rejection or ridicule, but he was so, so tired of that. the older he gets, the more sure he is about his feelings and about his desires. there’s no part of him that wants to keep hiding any longer, especially not from wonwoo and especially not about him either. it should be so simple.

“i would have offered you a ride, but i don’t drive and wonwoo’s not in any condition to either,” he tries to laugh but the words taste sour on his tongue. thankfully, joshua doesn’t catch the brief look that flashes across his features. even if he had, he doubts that joshua would say anything he’s usually passive and behaves with a respectful distance towards his fellow employees. “why was mingyu busy this morning?”

joshua shrugs. “he’s not feeling well. he told me that he wouldn’t be after eating that much takeout. he eats well even when it isn’t food that he enjoys, but his stomach just can’t handle those types of foods now after years of being healthy and cooking for himself.” there’s this tiny hint of a smile on his face that tells soonyoung more than joshua ever has to. he’s enamoured with mingyu, but in a very quiet way that no one would notice unless they already knew. soonyoung never thought that mingyu was suited for a quiet love, but he thinks that it could work out like this. mingyu didn’t need someone cheering at the airport to welcome him back to america after a three week job assignment. mingyu didn’t need someone who would share cigarettes outside with him. he isn’t a bad boy. joshua and mingyu are part of the best in humanity, and maybe if they have each other, it’ll be for the best for both of them.

his answer makes sense though because mingyu has had to call off work before due to his weak stomach. almost everyone at the office that knew mingyu knew that he couldn’t stomach takeout, so whenever anyone went on a lunch run, they would have to grab him something from this obscure vegan place because they used all natural ingredients in their meals. the only drawbacks are the walk to the place and the price of the food. no one wants to walk a couple of blocks just to get mingyu a salad and a sandwich and no one wants to pay the bill in his stead, so mingyu typically just packs his own lunch unless he knew he was going to be the lunch runner that day. “i hope he gets well soon. deadlines are this week.” he reminds joshua of the fact that they are just about ready to publish these issues of pristine and svt. almost all of the work has been pushed up to the copy editors and eunwoo at this point, but soonyoung had to do extra work this time around due to wonwoo’s accident. for most of today he’d be trying not to slow the process of publishing any further than it already had been. that means that he gets to work one-on-one with eunwoo who has the sharpest eyes for detail. if they are lucky, then they could send everything to the printer by the end of the day.

they arrive at soonyoung’s floor. “good luck with your work,” joshua says, lifting a hand to wave to him as he continues his ascent up to seungcheol’s floor. soonyoung has to wonder what it is like working up there all the time. he knows that nayoung and seokmin have their offices up there as well, but it feels like the part in a school building where all the professors’ offices are. maybe all of them are working on these magazines, but being on the topmost floor has to feel different. joshua doesn’t seem to act like it feels all that different though.

“you too,” he replies, pushing through the door to enter the offices holding various cubicles. wonwoo will probably have to meet with eunwoo too while soonyoung and her are talking, but he probably is going up to seungcheol’s office right now. soonyoung hadn’t tattled on him about the photographs, or lack of them, and neither had siyeon. that means that wonwoo has to let him know personally and soonyoung has to break the news to eunwoo. he’s had easier tasks. he just hopes that she doesn’t want to toss any of the photographs because there aren’t too many more that he’ll be able to pull out of thin air for her. he’s already played magician enough for these issues.

the door hasn’t even shut behind him before he’s being pulled away by eunwoo’s hands. “we have work to do and you were almost late.” she tuts, wheeling him away to conference room one. it isn’t the normal meeting place for them, but since it is so close to the deadline, they are probably forced to pile tasks atop of one another so that they can finish as much as possible in as little time as possible. jeonghan and jihoon are both already occupying the room, looking over spreads that they’ve pulled up on their laptops. jihoon is at jeonghan’s elbow, pointing out what soonyoung would guess are mistakes in spelling or grammar or punctuation. they don’t concern themselves with the style of the issues, that’s for eunwoo and him to judge.

“morning,” he greets them, but neither of them even turn to respond to his greeting. eunwoo takes the seat that she, presumably, had before going to collect him. her work is scattered around whatever area she’s designated as her own. soonyoung takes the same role as jihoon, but seated at eunwoo’s elbow, ready to offer fixes and discuss anything that she might bring up while they are looking over both issues. it should go much more smoothly than any of them think, especially because she had already looked over sungyeon’s photographs, but for all he knows, she could decide that she hates the same pictures that she had said she adored when she first went through them with sungyeon.

nayoung comes in with yewon after a couple hours and both of them point out a couple major mistakes that jeonghan and jihoon will ultimately spend time fixing. by midday, eunwoo knows that there’s something fishy with the limited photographs nestled within siyeon and wonwoo’s written paragraphs on seoul, but she hasn’t said anything. mostly, she just keeps flipping back and forth with this unreadable, concentrated expression that makes soonyoung want to crawl into a hole and die. wonwoo had to have talked to seungcheol about it by now, but he hasn’t come in to inform eunwoo so he must not be too upset by the situation. it is a difficult situation and it falls onto soonyoung as much as it falls onto wonwoo. soonyoung had been the one to send only one photographer off to seoul and he had been the one to decide to hire only two photographers even though he knew it would be safer to have more. he never expected such a natural accident to happen, but that came with the responsibilities of his job. he has to prepare for the unexpected and he hadn’t.

he worries about it until his lunch break rolls around. eunwoo’s going to have all her thoughts collected by the time that he’s back, so he’s thankful for the break to prepare himself. or at least, he’s thankful until he sees wonwoo waiting for him in the hallway outside of the conference room. he almost just heads back into the lion’s den to have eunwoo tear into everything that’s wrong with the compositions of the photographs, but then he decides to steel his nerves and dart down the hallway that’s opposite way of wonwoo. he doesn’t worry about if he’s been seen or not because wonwoo asked for time, and that’s what soonyoung needs now. he doesn’t know how long he plans on moping, but he knows that there’s no way that he’ll be able to have lunch with him without trying to bring up the topic again, and if not that, then he will surely say something to make him upset. when he’s irritated, there’s no filter to the words that happen to come from his mouth. he just spits whatever out and deals with the consequences later. he supposes that he’s learned this behavior from the way that his parents spoke to him and the only way that his parents would listen when he spoke back to them.

half of his break is spent walking all the way to the vegan place in the rain. he doesn’t even have enough money to get a full meal once he gets there, but he doesn’t want to find wonwoo at their regular lunch spot. he knows that that will be the first place that he checks when he starts to look for him and soonyoung doesn’t want to be found right now. it is the only place that he can think of that will let him be alone, even if the cost is that he’s traversing the city in the rain.

it is a relatively successful mission. he’s able to order more than he thinks he can afford and he eats it on his way back. there’s no sign of anyone that he knows and by the time he gets back to the office, wonwoo is back at his cubicle, talking to hansol. he’s probably doing the job that soonyoung has yet to do which bothers him. even when he knows that he’s upset at him, wonwoo is still being so kind and making sure that all of the necessary tasks are completed. he wants to be upset at wonwoo for being kind atop of all of this. it isn’t fair that wonwoo is able to just brush it off and act like his voice hadn’t hardened when they spoke this morning. his whole body had stiffened and he had tried to put distance between them while soonyoung was trying to bring them closer. he knows the importance of their friendship, but he also knows that it can be balanced. they don’t have to lose this friendship just to gain some intimacy. they already proved that without putting words to it. all soonyoung wants to do is put words to this so they understood each other and their limits.

to think, soonyoung had been the one nervous to have this conversation. he should have thought about how wonwoo might feel when it was brought up. he supposes that he just never figured that _this_ would be his response.

when he gets back to the conference room, seungcheol has joined everyone already in there, but the air seems amicable. eunwoo lets him know what she wants changed and he makes the changes in realtime she doesn’t make any comments about the lack of photographs in wonwoo’s article. it goes by so peacefully that he almost feels like he has walked into the wrong office building or has entered some alternate dimension where everyone is a lot happier than usual. jihoon doesn’t even complain about any of the photographs when he looks through it. all of them seem relatively happy with the outcome of both issues. at seungcheol’s askance, nayoung comes in to look them over too and even sounds impressed when she discusses the content with seungcheol. it isn’t until she’s done that she turns to everyone in the room. “good job, everyone!” she raises both of her hands into the air and seungcheol lets out a holler.

soonyoung’s glad he can be apart of this happiness right now, even if it doesn’t feel like his own.

the whole room is cheering and he bets that everyone outside of the conference room can hear them. when jeonghan goes to deliver the good news, they will be joining them with raised hands and loud voices. he knows that this always comes with celebration. he doesn’t know how he feels about going to the bars once the magazines are sent to the printer, but he knows that being drunk might feel better tonight than being sober. he doesn’t think about how those thoughts are unfair to wonwoo, because soonyoung’s never been all that good to him. maybe that’s what this has always been about. they just wouldn’t work together as more than what they are now. soonyoung won’t know until he gets to talk to wonwoo about it, but he doesn’t want to know any of the pain that comes with heartbreak. when he got wonwoo back he thought he’d be getting wonwoo back for good. he didn’t know that it would be like this when he decided to face it all.

.

.

“you guys coming?” nayoung almost passes his cubicle by completely. both wonwoo and him are occupying it, huddled together looking over the spread that had been sent to the printer. he doesn’t know why he went to ask wonwoo if he’d like to see it, but he knows he already misses the closeness of yesterday. he’s still pouting and as irritable as ever, but he’s able to hold his tongue so that he doesn’t say anything that will upset wonwoo or anyone around the two of them.

wonwoo gives him this strange look that soonyoung can’t understand because he doesn’t have the time to process it before his expression has changed once again. “yeah,” soonyoung replies. “give us a minute to put everything away.” nayoung nods, going to the other cubicles to try to round up as much as the office building as possible. soonyoung hopes that joshua’s sent off a quick message to mingyu so that soonyoung will have someone to hang out with until he’s lost his ability to care who he’s speaking with or towards. it’s unlikely that they will come because mingyu hardly ever drinks unless he’s with others and joshua never does. he’s been the designated driver on several occasions, but soonyoung hadn’t ever seen him drink. minghao had been the same. he wouldn’t ever go out to celebrate with the office, but he would be their driver if they asked. usually, mingyu and minghao would end up spending most of the night together, taking care of their friends and staying relatively sober.

once she’s disappeared from earshot, wonwoo grabs onto soonyoung’s wrist. the touch is so light, but too firm. he knows that wonwoo isn’t happy before he even meets his eye. “we are?” he asks, tilting his head. “i thought we were going to talk.”

it’s so childish, but soonyoung shrugs, pursing his lips. “we can still talk. you know that we always go to these things. what? am i just supposed to stop time for you now? i wanted to talk this morning.” he’s being so unfair. he wants to stop himself, but wonwoo doesn’t know how it felt for him to put that distance between them this morning. it had been both literal and figurative, so soonyoung could visualize _and_ feel it. he can still feel it sitting next to him.

the anger that transforms wonwoo’s face is real. it is often that wonwoo only gives some ounce of an emotion during interactions, but this anger comes in full. soonyoung stands up to it though. anger is one of the most familiar emotions to him, even if wonwoo’s anger is unfamiliar. “whatever,” he says. he doesn’t like to leave things like this, all broken and seemingly unfixable, but there’s little that he can do. soonyoung should stop himself so this doesn’t spiral out of control.

“you don’t have to come,” he says instead. “i just thought it’d be nice to hang out with everyone since you’ve been gone so long.” he’s thought of it on the spot and it is such a lie, but if he weren’t upset at wonwoo, then that would have been his true intention by accepting nayoung’s proposal. wonwoo snorts like he doesn’t believe him and soonyoung supposes that there’s no part of him that would believe him either if he were wonwoo. they know each other too well by now. it’s pointless for either one of them to hide their emotions because they both are aware of what the other is feeling, both of them are aware of one another’s anger currently. they’ve always been attuned to one another in a way that others envied, but now they could read each other, but dissonantly.

he gathers his things and leaves before he can say anything that he’ll regret. he knows his limits and all he can think about is the way that wonwoo’s anger has flared, _as though he has any reason to be angry_. soonyoung shakes his head, trying to catch up to anyone else leaving the building right now.

it’s no use because he doesn’t run into anyone on the stairs. nayoung must have learned how to teleport because she’s nowhere to be seen even though he knows she is leaving. soonyoung is able to find seokmin at his car though, and he all but jumps into his passenger seat without really asking if can drive him or if he’s even going. when he’s asked about wonwoo, he tells him that wonwoo has to stay back to talk to seungcheol, so he’ll be getting a ride from him once they are done. seokmin believes him, but he’s always been so easy to trick. he has such an innocent mind that soonyoung feels bad for lying to him, but he feels worse for leaving wonwoo at work. he doesn’t know how many people are still there, but he hopes that there is someone willing to give him a ride. if anything, he’ll send a message off to mingyu who won’t be upset if he goes to check up on wonwoo and he’s already left with someone else.

seokmin drives straight to the bar. there are several people who plan on going home and changing before joining up with everyone at the bar,  but seokmin apparently, and thankfully, isn’t one of them. in the parking lot, they meet up with hansol, chan, and jeonghan who also just arrived.

“we doing this boys?” hansol claps his hands together. it isn’t even seven yet, but soonyoung supposes that he’s not a teenager anymore. the later that he drank, the worse he’d be feeling the next morning, so if they started drinking now, then he’d be able to be home by ten, if he’s lucky, but drinking with hansol and seungcheol often could get out of hand. he knows that he’ll have to keep his wits about him then so that he will be able to get home safe. he has no idea if wonwoo will show up at the bar and if he does, then he won’t be able to drive them home, so soonyoung really should play it safe.

jeonghan and chan look awkward standing next to hansol, like they are happy to be there, but not at all excited by the proposition of drinking which seems to be infectious in the office since everyone seems to feel lukewarm about grabbing beers to celebrate the same thing that happens every month. “looks like it,” seokmin is the one to respond to him, offering him a high-five. “we can go ahead and  grab a couple of tables while we wait for everyone to get here.” he offers after hansol accepts his high-five. there seems to be no qualms concerning that plan, so they all start to head over to the entrance. seokmin holds the door open and jeonghan takes the lead in getting them three  tables near the back of the bar. it is relatively private and they are close enough together that conversations will be able to bounce around.

“do you know how many people are coming?” jeonghan asks as he drapes his coat over a booth. no one knows, or no one gives him an answer at least, so he snags another booth, sliding all the way into the seat to take up as much room as possible. it’s a wednesday night, so they’ll probably end up having the bar mostly to themselves. right now, there’s only a couple of other customers seated at the bar and there is no one setting up the stage, so they doubt there will even be a performance tonight.

seokmin looks around to see if anyone else they know has entered yet, when he doesn’t notice anyone he announces to everyone seated that he’s going to buy the first round of drinks. “we are the only ones here right now,” hansol interjects, but soonyoung knows that he’s just being cheap. when he’s drunk, he’ll try to buy every round just like he does every time they go out to drink. seokmin is a lot better at drinking at people’s house than he is at drinking publicly.

“let me do this kindness,” seokmin says in this hearty voice that soonyoung loves. he always uses it whenever he’s joking around and it never fails to make soonyoung smile. “just this once, please.”

“you better hurry because before you know it the others will have arrived and then you really will be buying the first round,” jeonghan looks cool with the way he’s leaning onto the table. soonyoung has hopped into the middle booth while hansol and chan opted to settle near each other in the leftmost booth, claiming it as their own. the two of them sit close to each other in the middle while jeonghan and soonyoung sit at the edges of their booths. “who’s taking you home?” jeonghan poses the question to soonyoung and from his lips it sounds flirtatious.

soonyoung shrugs. “who is your driver?” he asks in response, almost laughing. if it comes to it, he has walked home before from these bars. after minghao had left and before wonwoo arrived, he had frequented this bar alone and always had to end up finding his own way home. there also is always the option of calling an uber if he has the money to spare, which he often does, _and_ if he could call one, which he often couldn’t. the first thing that goes whenever he’s drunk is his sense of rationality. he thinks walking home will be easier than calling an uber and finds it unusually hard to use his phone, even though he’s got them on speed dial for those occasions.

in response to him, chan raises his hand excitedly. “i am tonight. i just wanted to hang out with everyone, so i volunteered for it.” the smile he gives is adorable in a way that makes soonyoung want to pinch his cheeks. hansol’s smiling at chan like he feels similarly to soonyoung. soonyoung hasn’t even been out for more than fifteen minutes with them and he’s already being reminded of how fond he is of them. he’s known most of them for more than seven years now. he even has known chan for almost as long as he knows the others because chan had worked with them while he was still in high school and then seungcheol hired him while he was enrolled in the nearby college. these are the people that soonyoung loves and the ones that he wants to know forever. these are the people that he wants to be alongside him for as long as wonwoo is. if wonwoo and him could settle down, these are the people he will want to accept them.

but there’s a difference in his wanting. he wants wonwoo so much more than these people. he craves him in a different way. it burns whenever he thinks about the way his hands caress his skin or the way his lips burn holes straight through him. he leaves him smoldering. he’s always had volcanic activity stirring deep within his core, but wonwoo is the only person to make him feel the extent of his own heat. he melts in wonwoo’s presence and he swears that he could cause the entire world to quake with the feeling that wonwoo imbrues in him.

seokmin returns with the drinks, standard gin and tonics, and places them onto the table in front of soonyoung. while he takes his drink from the bunch, seokmin hands the others out to jeonghan and hansol with the brightest smile on his face, like he’s just happy to be there with them. he places the extra drink on hansol and chan’s table, but not in front of chan.“i told seungcheol that we were back here. wonwoo, jihoon, and him should be making their way after they handle their orders.” the smile on soonyoung’s face is wiped off immediately at the mention of wonwoo. he tries to hide his reaction by holding his drink up to his mouth to take a sip, but he knows that jeonghan has caught it from the way that he keeps eyeing him even as seokmin takes his seat next to soonyoung until they are pressed together. he laughs, but soonyoung feels like he’s going to be sick. his stomach is in knots at the prospect of seeing wonwoo. it is so wild, the way he can make him feel important and glowing, but he can also dread being sat near to him.

he almost downs his drink in one go even though he’s supposed to be taking it slow. with wonwoo here, he’ll be safe for the entire night, but he doesn’t want to be safe in wonwoo’s hands when all he can think about is the way that they hold onto him like they are the only thing anchoring him to this world. there is no gravity holding him down, just wonwoo’s steadiness. both of them are unsteady now. seokmin claps him on the back, urging him to slow down. “can’t,” soonyoung says, breathing hard from the effort he’s put into drinking, “i gotta take advantage of the free drinks.”

chan and hansol laugh at his expense, but jeonghan’s all but figured everything out by now. he doesn’t need to see wonwoo and him interacting with each other, all he needs is the way that soonyoung quivers when he is mentioned. he may not know if it is anger or anxiety, but he knows that there is something lurking underneath the exterior of what they see. “no one’ll be buying your next round if they fear you’re an alcoholic.” jeonghan points out, sipping at his drink with a certain delicateness that only he possesses.

nayoung arrives at their table before the three that seokmin caught up with at the bar. she hops up next to chan and steals the drink that seokmin had placed in front of them. “hey guys,” she greets them before she starts drinking. chan, hansol, and her start a quiet conversation that it is hard for soonyoung to hear over the music which probably makes it impossible for jeonghan to hear. once there are more people, the conversations will be able to carry around. there’s too much emptiness between the booths right now.

when seungcheol arrives, he sits next to jeonghan while jihoon piles in beside him. wonwoo takes a little longer than the rest to get there and probably because he’s holding two drinks: one is a cosmopolitan and one is a blue lagoon. neither of them really enjoy either drinks, but whenever they go out, they always drink them together before they order anything that they really enjoy. soonyoung pushes his drink to the side, hoping that the presence of it won’t just cause another argument. he has to admit that he’s happy that wonwoo isn’t angry enough to ignore their tradition. he really wants to appreciate all the effort that he has made to keep soonyoung’s anger isolated to solely the subject that they have yet to breach. but for all soonyoung knows, wonwoo is just working on autopilot. he had to admit that he set out more than one plate out on more than one night while wonwoo was in seoul. one night, he had even tried to bring wonwoo his toothbrush, only to realize that he wasn’t in their bedroom.

he sets down the cosmopolitan in front of soonyoung, then goes to sit next to seokmin with his own drink. he doesn’t urge soonyoung to move over so that he can sit next to him. he doesn’t try to get seokmin to move either. he just settles in next to him and greets him amicably. this sets the mood for the whole night. it is relatively peaceful, with wonwoo avoiding soonyoung’s gaze and strategically avoiding conversation with him. whenever jeonghan isn’t giving his full attention to seungcheol, he’s eyeing soonyoung’s booth. it makes him uncomfortable to know that they are so transparent.

more people arrive, but after wonwoo, soonyoung finds it hard to pay attention to anything. seokmin ends up getting up to use the restroom before he’s even buzzed, so when he gets back, he causes wonwoo to crash into him, arm pressing against his. soonyoung wants to trace the lines in wonwoo’s knee from underneath the table with the hand that isn’t toying with the rim of his second drink. he hasn’t finished either of his drinks, but he wants to chug both of them. he knows that that will just end with chan taking him home earlier than he’d like, so he forces himself to take it as slow as he can with wonwoo sitting right next to him, feeling so familiar. people try to talk to soonyoung, but he only lets in half of what everyone has to say, nodding his head and trying to look engaged.

they don’t talk until soonyoung’s on his fifth drink and wonwoo’s on his third. there’s a haze in his judgement now that didn’t exist a drink ago. his hands feel a little less like his own. the one that’s wanted to touch wonwoo all night does, tracing the lightest circles around his knee. it draws wonwoo’s attention to him immediately. the smile that he had been giving seokmin falls away immediately. “i think we need to talk.” soonyoung says, which isn’t what he wants to say, but he feels so relaxed. it might be better if they talk about it now because then soonyoung could definitely handle the heartbreak, if that’s what the conclusion would end with.

“no,” wonwoo sounds unnecessarily firm, but then soonyoung remembers that it is him that he’s talking to, so of course he’s being like this. he knows that the less firm he is, the more soonyoung will take that as an invitation.

“yeah,” soonyoung says, leaning his head onto wonwoo’s shoulder. he’s _such_ a lightweight. the room is already threatening to spin like the carousel rides that soonyoung enjoyed so much as a child. he would probably still enjoy them, especially if they were better than this. “i know, but this is important.” he looks at wonwoo with wide eyes like he’s staring at the moon, and he really might be. “we can’t be legendary if we don’t talk about it.” this is so important to him right now and it doesn’t matter if they had been arguing before. everything seems to be forgiven by soonyoung.

wonwoo rolls his eyes. “what are you talking about?”

he doesn’t want to know what soonyoung is talking about. “like, uh, the greek myth of the moon falling in love with the man? what if we could make it the sun falling in love with the moon? or something like that.” he says too loud because seokmin gives him this oddly innocent look, unable to avoid the reality of their conversation. “we also can’t be legendary if we love quietly. no one will put us in any kind of book then.”

he’s pouting and wonwoo would probably think it was adorable if it weren’t in this context. with an intense, unreadable expression, wonwoo starts to gently push soonyoung out of the booth. “we gotta get home,” he announces to everyone which causes chan to try to wiggle his way out of his booth so that he can take them home, but soonyoung’s pushing his way out of the bar without saying his goodbyes. wonwoo rushes after him, desperate to catch up with him before he walks out into the street accidentally. when he’s sober, he’ll probably be apologizing to everyone, but his head is spinning now and he wants to feel the brush of fresh air on his skin.

he doesn’t remember that it is raining until both of them are already outside. it isn’t pouring, but their clothing still catch the weight of each rain drop until it starts to weigh them down. soonyoung walks without talking, feet stumbling over one another as he tries to walk in a straight line. he just keeps going as though he’s forgotten how to stop. “why do you keep bringing it up?” wonwoo asks from behind him. he has to speak loud enough for soonyoung to hear because he doesn’t slow down even through the downpour. it almost sounds like he’s yelling.

it takes soonyoung awhile before he can figure out how to respond. he tries to calm himself down before he turns to face him, but as soon as he turns around the same words he had initially wanted to say are coming out and everything is still spinning just as it had been before he turned around. “because _i love you_ and i don’t want whatever we have right now. i want _all_ of you, but you want to give me these pieces i’ve always had instead of showing me everything i haven’t seen yet. i want you to kiss me like a lover, wonwoo, not like a friend or a fling. _i don’t want to just be your friend anymore!_ ”

thunder booms distantly. soonyoung hopes that they don’t get caught out in a storm. he can’t discern how much time they have before they reach home, but he knows that home is too far away from them right now. he just wants to wrap himself up in all their blankets and sheets and cry. it will be better than getting angry anymore. he doesn’t really feel angry, just embarrassed and sad. wonwoo doesn’t have to say anything for him to understand it all. he can say nothing and all of it is understood just the same. soonyoung feels like he knows how this will end.

“what?” wonwoo asks, throwing his arms out to his sides.it is hard to make out in the dim lighting, but soonyoung thinks that he looks angry again, or maybe he’s just frustrated since soonyoung has yet to hear him out. all this time, they haven’t been hearing what the other has to say, just assuming. “what makes you think that i don’t want that too?”

soonyoung mocks wonwoo’s voice from earlier, or he thinks he does. “‘after work.’” when he laughs, it is bitter and nearly chokes him. it feels like he’s just throwing another drink back, like they haven’t even left the bar. his tongue feels so heavy. the rain keeps battering down, weighing them down further, even with their jackets on. “you couldn’t talk to me about it right then because you wanted to break my heart, didn’t you? you were just waiting for a moment so you could drop that on me, weren’t you?” he doesn’t want to be shaking, but he is. he’s overreacting entirely. “i just feel so _stupid_ , wonwoo. i made all those advances and you didn’t turn any of them down… i thought you were reciprocating my feelings. i don’t… know what was really happening because i only saw what i wanted to.”

“no,” wonwoo shakes his head, moving into soonyoung’s space. he crowds it until soonyoung is forced against the wall of a nearby shop. from here, he can see the way the rain is dripping from the strands of wonwoo’s hair. raindrops slide down his nose, onto his lips, then cascade down to the ground just like all the others. its path is just interrupted momentarily. “i didn’t just… all of that was genuine. i wanted to… i had something for you, soonyoung. my conversation was bigger than yours. i wanted to say so much more to you than what you think.”

it’s all muddled in his head. soonyoung can’t tell if wonwoo had been genuine _but_ he still didn’t want to be apart of this or if he had been genuine _and_ he had something much bigger to add to all of this. it doesn’t make sense to soonyoung, but he supposes that the drinks aren’t helping him understand. he tilts his head up to the rain, trying to find sobriety in it. wonwoo’s breath smells like alcohol, but that’s not what makes it intoxicating. soonyoung moves in without thinking and he doesn’t think that wonwoo’s thinking all that much either.

somehow it turns into soonyoung pressing wonwoo up against the wall. both of them feel their undoing in each other’s hands, but neither of them make any motions to stop each other. their mouths burn. it is all too much. it is all not enough. when they do pull away, they are breathing heavily and they stumble away one another and towards the direction of their apartment with messy footwork. soonyoung had once been a dancer, but wonwoo sweeps him off his feet and teaches him how to move offbeat. “the only reason you are stupid is because you think i don’t love you too.” wonwoo says quietly, but the words ring in soonyoung’s ear. they overcome the roar of the rain and the crash of the incoming storm. he hopes that they won’t have to take shelter somewhere and call someone to take them home. that thought alone has soonyoung falling into a sprint. he wants to be at home and hold all of this close to him so that it is only his.

he forgets that wonwoo can’t follow until he’s yelling out for him. it stops him abruptly, but wonwoo doesn’t look upset with him. soonyoung thinks he looks beautiful out here in the rain. he thinks that wonwoo’s meant to be in the middle of a downpour like this. he looks like the calm in the middle of a storm. “why did you want to talk to me after work then?” he asks, putting his hands on his hips. he tries to think about calling an uber, but that thought is immediately taken away from him when wonwoo starts to answer him instead of denying him again.

there’s no distance between them when wonwoo pulls him underneath the alcove of a nearby building. “i wanted to talk about moving in, soonyoung, like we were going to before i left. i was going to talk about our long-term plans. i wanted to show you something that i had worked on in seoul, but hadn’t worked up the nerve to tell you about. i wouldn’t be okay with just telling you that i return your feelings and returning back to the same relationship we’ve had for almost three years. i want to know if we are each other’s future or just each other’s present.” he stops, lower lip quivering as he fights with himself. “i want to tell you that i want to marry you, but not quite yet. i want to talk to you about how this might be able to work if we let it work. i was scared to say all these things this morning because you mean that much to me, soonyoung. i don’t know why you would deny me, but i had to collect all these thoughts together before i could talk to you. to talk about love with you, it hurts so badly in my chest that i start to feel like i might suffocate from some invisible weight holding me down.” he closes his eyes and soonyoung doesn’t dare to breathe. “i know i shouldn’t be scared, but you aren’t just my friend, you are soonyoung. you are my friend and the man i love. you are my hope and my dreams and what i want for my future. i didn’t want this to ever just be momentary unless that meant that we just stopped time and stayed in a moment together forever.” soonyoung doesn’t know, but he feels like crying. his lower lip quivers too.

then wonwoo places his lips on soonyoung’s in the sweetest kiss. soonyoung’s whole body shakes, and all of a sudden he’s crying. his sobs fall into wonwoo’s mouth and he cups his cheeks with his hands to try to hold him together as he cries. he’s right because talking about love together is painful. for him, it feels like someone’s squeezing his throat until he can’t breathe and ultimately he chokes on all of his words. “i love you,” he says uneventfully. it is so obvious, but it is the only thing he can think of saying right now. it communicates so much, but so little. it’s enough.

he thinks wonwoo might laugh, but he might be crying too now. the temperature is high enough that the two of them can share this moment without needing to find someplace to go inside to hide from the rain, but he knows that it won’t last for long. they’ll have to pay for their spontaneous behavior once their bodies get a chance to realize that they are putting them through this torture. “i love you,” wonwoo replies, and he’s definitely crying, but all of their tears are mixing with the rain. he pulls away, but soonyoung just wants to be so much closer to him. he’s never felt closer to anyone in his life.

he doesn’t remember making it home, but somehow they both end up stumbling in, dripping with rainwater. his keys and his wallet don’t end up in the dish, but on his bedroom floor along with his clothes. wonwoo’s clothes follow after them. he’s not sure whose hands are working at the buttons or guiding the clothes off of their bodies, but both of them are bared to one another only minutes after they’ve entered the apartment. soonyoung doesn’t stop to appraise him and wonwoo’s gaze drifts to follow the lines of his shoulders, but fall no further. there’s a whole different type of tension surrounding them now. there’s no haze in soonyoung’s gaze any longer, but he knows where his limits are tonight. he knows how much he can take and how much he can give. he knows that that rainy conversation will have to happen tomorrow too so that they can reassure each other that they meant what they said. he knows that he won’t regret a word.

for now, they take things slow. there has been a change, but everything is also the same as it ever was.

after leaving their wet clothes on the floor of their bedroom, soonyoung leads wonwoo into the bathroom. the shower warms up quickly and both of them slip underneath the warmth of the water. it doesn’t feel like how it had when they were outside, but it still feels comforting. this is where everything had changed years ago for them and this is where everything is changing for them now. soonyoung tilts his head up so the water streams over his face. wonwoo’s arms wrap around his midsection and their bodies meet, but that is as simple as it is. it is as simple as soonyoung has always wished it would be. “is it raining?” wonwoo asks in a small voice that is supposed to be an imitation of soonyoung. it makes him smile.

he turns around in wonwoo’s hold, being careful to stay steady and on both of his feet. wonwoo looks at him like he’s the whole sun and he’s shining brilliantly, illuminating wonwoo’s whole world. soonyoung’s breath catches in his throat as he looks upon wonwoo gazing at him and he could never doubt this love. he doesn’t know how he thought he could. “you are my future,” soonyoung whispers stealing the smile right off of wonwoo’s face.

their lips meet again, but this time it is soft and fleeting. soonyoung shivers.

it isn’t until they are in their bed that wonwoo unveils the mystery. he puts the tiniest leather-bound journal in his hands. it makes his hands feel much bigger than they are, but he’s given it to him even though his hair is dripping and it threatens to smudge all the ink. every page is beautifully filled in wonwoo’s handwriting. some pages are short with drawings and patterns filling the margins, while other pages are long, but in hangul. “whenever i wanted to talk to you, but i couldn’t, i… just started writing. it’s all for you.” he says. soonyoung’s head feels as heavy as his eyes. he wants to read the whole journal, but he also never wants to open it again. all of it is for him. a piece of wonwoo’s soul has been captured and presented to him, leather-bound. he overwhelming wants to kiss him again, so he does, pressing him into the mattress.

water drips from the ends of soonyoung’s hair. he feels like the rain: infinite and surrounding and heavy. wonwoo is the sky opening up for him. there is no longer a burning. an ache has replaced it. when they find themselves waking up, it will be a new day. there won’t be the same clap of thunder in the distance. it might still be raining though, but it will be a new day where everything will be changed. he hopes that the change will last forever and leads them into a future that they both can shared with one another. he knows he’s ready. every kiss of his is a raindrop on wonwoo’s skin and every slide of skin is a strike of lightning. wonwoo stares up at him like he’s been in the desert and soonyoung’s the first bit of rain he’s felt in a long time. his mouth is greedy, but soonyoung doesn’t mind. “you are my future,” he says it again, cradling wonwoo’s face in his hands. their lips are so close that they brush when he talks. wonwoo’s hands are against his hips and he’s rooted here in both time and space.

he laughs, fingers tensing into soonyoung’s skin. it isn’t mocking, just free and happy. “you’ve always been inevitable,” he says. “even when you weren’t a constant in my life, you were. if i couldn’t stay away from you after meeting you, then i realized that i’d never learn to stay away. i just didn’t know that i wouldn’t ever want to stay away.” soonyoung listens to him with all the intent of a still-drunk man bordering on sobriety. he’s so heavy with this love, but he doesn’t know what to do with it other than pour until he threatens to drown him.

“when you talk about love you make me shake,” soonyoung confesses shyly. he blushes halfway through the sentiment and forgets how to meet wonwoo’s gaze. he’s trembling right now, and he thinks it might be with excitement. he’s never experienced this before though, so he hasn’t figured it out yet. he knows that with time he will be able to figure it out. that’s all it will take for him to know just why wonwoo undoes him like this whenever he speaks about love. he sinks down until his face is hidden in wonwoo’s chest. when he laughs, soonyoung can feel the heartiness of it. it doesn’t just resound in his chest. it surrounds the room and makes everything soft and warm.

he falls asleep like that, limbs twisted around wonwoo like he’s scared that he’s dreaming up a reality he can’t have. he fears that he’s holding him improperly, that his stitches might tear or pull in the night, but wonwoo doesn’t seem worried about it because he just wraps his arms tightly around soonyoung, anchoring him into place. it doesn’t matter if he’s water or fire or any great natural phenomenon because he’s also safety and home. “i love you,” wonwoo whispers into soonyoung’s hair, finding everything he’s ever needed in this touch. soonyoung doesn’t respond, but wonwoo knows that he’d whisper it back across oceans if he had to. there’s nothing that ever wanted to be secret about their love.

morning comes softly with dull rain tapping against the window. they are still intertwined in each’s embrace. it’s so simple.

they chase the future.


End file.
